A woman at the next booth over hits it off with the waitress because they share the name "Beverly." Further discussion reveals that they are both named Beverly Jane. Apparently, Beverly Jean is the more common version, but the customer's parents had already give her sister the middle name "Jean," so she got the leftovers. The waitress' parents, one assumes, just liked the excitement.

I feel safer already.

For those still upset about the NYC bar smoking ban, might I suggest the smoking lounge at the Atlanta airport? It has everything people say they'll miss about the pre-ban NYC bar atmosphere — a small, enclosed, room with a cancerous cloud hanging just above the heads of desperate, addicted people, huddled around overflowing ashtrays, clutching limp cigarettes in their trembling, sweaty hands — without any annoying alcohol to get in the way of your smoking enjoyment.

Unfortunately, my web-enabled cel phone/palm is not also blog-enabled. Sad in so many ways. I managed to compensate by blogging via the more traditional method of pen on napkin. As follows:

• I understand the need for increased airport security, but did they really have to feel up my grandmother? In my opinion, somewhat excessive.

• Florida Financial Institution: The Fifth Third Bank. Fifth. Third. Bank. This from the state that elected Jeb Bush.

• [Drawing of a funny fish] [Name written several times] HUNGRY. [Underlined twice.]

Heading down to Florida for the next seven days. Even with the recent Goober/Boggle merger, it may not be possible to "weblog" in such swampy terrain. But if it is, I'll file the first offical fluff pieces on Election 2004.

Well, the Swedes may have to go to New Jersey to get some lingonberry action, but if the pamphlet I just got in the mail is any indication, the Swiss have got it made right here in NYC. The swisspeaks festival hits town on Feb 27, and it looks to be a rockin' good time. Planning to attend? Fashion tip: Wear something neutral. (with a tip o' the porkpie to Mssr. Mike Saenz.)

HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE:
Extra-Group Show of International Artists
"Ever wondered how you can shift the boundaries between the real and unreal?" Almost incessantly.

The Middle of the World: Discovering Swiss Cinema
"Find out how the Swiss see the world, and how the world might see the Swiss in this series from the Swiss Classics to current films."
Tribute to La Cinemathéque Suisse includes:
Frauennot-Frauenglück (Alexandro/Tisse/Eisenman, 1929) IMDb user rating: "awaiting five votes"
Feind Im Blut (Walter Ruttman, 1931) IMDb notes: "If you like this title, we also recommend...Une femme sur mesure (1997) (TV)"

Design & Architecture
"We take our inspiration from the rich and solid legacy of our traditions and transform it into objects of desire with impeccable material, great detail, and convincing sobriety. Swiss design. Swiss architecture. Traditionally progressive." Swiss marketing prose: incomprehensible.

Branding "Swissness"
"A panel of highly qualified marketing experts who manage these famous Swiss brands will tell you how they use "Swissness" to make all the difference to an otherwise generic product." Hey, why don't we just put holes in the damn cheese?

and, of course, the coup d'grace:
"Swiss Plus" Event by the Swiss Bankers Association
"Top bankers from major Swiss and U.S.-Swiss financial institutions will discuss Switzerland's expertise in global banking...by invitation only." Maybe they'll tell us what they did with all that Nazi gold.

Did you see Andy Rooney last night? In a well-argued opinion, he claims he's better than France.

Is it true? Let's compare:

ROONEY	FRANCE	WINNER
Old	Also Old	Tie
Crochety	Ditto	Tie
6 Letters	6 Letters	Tie

Conclusion: Andy Rooney and France are, in fact, the exact same person.

Another juicy tidbit from the pages of Book of Ages:

More words of wisdom from my father:

"Knowing is the key to knowledge."

Beastmaster Jones writes: "Dash Mihok, dammit! (Celebrity my ass!)"

A hearty congratulations on your correct guess, Beastmaster, and as for your mockery of Mr. Mihok's celebrity status, I ask: did you play "Lynn McKennan" on Felicity? I thought not.

Per Aaron's request, some more clues in the guess the celebrity contest, which, to this date, remains unwon.

• In the photo clue, mystery celebrity appears fourth from the right
• Also went to my grade school
• Starred in a short-lived sitcom with an ex-Cheers star
• Has worked with directors Petersen, Luhrmann, and Levinson

submit your answer

Being the first in an ongoing series of rare and unpublished works by the author which, for one reason or another, were never presented to the public at large.

Title: "Hello, me wee bairn!"
Date: c. 1993-94
Rejected from: The Brown Daily Herald
Intended use: Article about clergy visiting dorm rooms
Reason rejected: Priest appears drunk, stereotypically Irish, slightly deranged, and lascivious

Originally, I planned to call this blog Now That I'm Honorable, and chronicle my myriad attempts to make this troubled world a better place. These quotes convinced me to do otherwise:

"We must bear in mind the distinction between fame and honor... Existing in the reputation a person has regardless of his or her accomplishments, fame does not tarnish as honor does when it is unmerited." —Mortimer J. Adler, “Wrong Desires,” Desires Right and Wrong: The Ethics of Enough

"Honor ... means that a man is not exceptional; fame, that he is. Fame is something which must be won; honor, only something which must not be lost." —Arthur Schopenhauer, Parerga and Paralipomena, vol. 2

Introducing a brand new jvg.com feature: Alcohol reviews!

Reviewer: My father
Alcohol: Scotch
Brand: Monk's Choice (no longer available)
Comment: "They used to pick me up in alleyways in Scotland, boy."

After such blazing brilliance in previous news reports, this sample, filed nineteen years ago today, is – to say the least – somewhat disappointing.

Notable:
• The mysterious: I have just, for some reason, blacked out the first entry. Is this because, even at the tender age of nine, I was a killer for the CIA?
• The confusing: "The most famous letter was in a newspaper for fifteen." What the hell could I possibly have meant? How is this newsworthy?
• The risqué: "20 years ago the Beatles came." Is this really appropriate reportage for a fourth grader?

Journalism: "Some high school kids gave up drugs" 2/7/84

Tiny Ninja Theater returns to NYC with both the critically acclaimed Romeo & Juliet ("...abridged but verbatim..." –The Washington Post, "...an entire text..." –The Charleston City Paper) and the critically acclaimed Macbeth ("...an enactment of the Scottish Play..." –The New York Times, "...the stage is minuscule..." –Time Out New York). The tragedy begins begins February 23. More reviews and info at the website.

I know what you're thinking: Since I'm famous, can I score you some cheap tickets? Damn skippy I can: email me and I'll fill you in on the details.

Happy goddamn birthday to Dad, too.

Happy goddamn birthday to The Unhappiest Girl in New York City.

Many of you, I am sure, frequently wonder; "Sure, he's famous, but can he handle a sword?" Pontificate no longer. The answer resides in one of the most highly prized in my collection of awards: the Templars MVP Trophy, won at the tender age of eighteen years.

• Awards: Most Valuable Player 1991-1992

Be warned: I seem to be using the word "folks" far too much in today's outgoing email.

In celebration of Groundhog Day, I'm posting a picture of my hedgehog. Enjoy!

FEB-roo-ER-ee? FEB-roo-uhr-ee? FEB-yoo-ER-ee? or FEB-yoo-uhr-ee? English is hard.