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THE WEBLOG ARCHIVES: May 2003
May 29, 2003
Plan of Attack | 09:51 AM
"War or no war, let's let the good times roll...
In the interests of fair play, I have agreed to make available to the public the detailed plan of attack for the War on Lock:
Wednesday: Begin campaign with angry post on website.
UPDATE: [5/30/03] War on hold, as Steele is clearly running scared.
May 28, 2003
Confidential to Lockhart | 11:53 AM
Confronting the Fed | 09:21 AM
In Providence today to face off with the FBI.
They've got nothing on me. Nothing.
May 25, 2003
Overheard | 03:57 PM
7th Avenue Books, 7th Avenue, Brooklyn, 3:15pm
"Ohmigod, if the Times does any more breast-beating, I'm just gonna vomit."
May 23, 2003
Dreamlog | 08:54 AM
Graduation day. The children are lined up around the coliseum. The circus is about to perform their last performance — ever. I take my seat in the second balcony. The dictator: "I hope none of the performers lose their heads. Of course, some of them already have." He chuckles. I lean over the railing to see the dwarf take his place on the baclony below. He catches my eye, nods. His beard is white. Somewhere on the ground level, two of the children attempt to plan the best graduation prank of all time. Little do they know.
The parents must know: I stand up. "We have discovered who publishes their book," I say. My cohorts on the other side of the room rise and announce: "The People's Press, Ohio." A startled gasp. I continue my speech. One woman stands, she has red streaks in her hair. I tear banners bearing the dictator's slogans from the columns. They fall, piece by piece, into the circle below. The banners don't say what I thought they said.
I start the chant: "Do. Not. Obey." No need for a prank this year. "Do. Not. Obey." More people are standing, chanting. Our voices echo across the amphitheater. "Do. Not. Obey. Do. Not. Obey."
May 22, 2003
Tina Brown Revealed | 11:32 AM
A minimal amount of research reveals her website, TinaBrown.net. Tina, it seems, is a 25-year-old cellist/web designer who lives in Burbank, CA. She notes:
"My main focus these days is getting a job. I have worked hard getting here and I am trying to find a good place to start and enter the entertainment industry."Now, this Tina seems like a nice woman: decent, churchgoing — she ends posts on her blog with the cheerful signoff "Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!" Frankly, I'm somewhat perplexed that she would write a snarky article in which she equates me with Jayson Blair.
No Ass O'Barkeep Gets a Cel Phone | 01:10 AM
And thereby calls at 1:05am to submit this report:
"Blue Ribbon is painfully overpriced and the service sucks."
May 21, 2003
Reader Feedback | 10:36 AM
Schroeder notes, over on his blog:
...the bloggers mentioned in [the Times article] (Jonathan Van Gieson, Lockhart Steele) are definitely obnoxious, pretentious, and, worst of all, boring. Van Gieson, for instance, who has only been blogging since December, perpetually refers to how "famous" he is, and how "exciting" he and his "famous" friends are, without the slightest trace of sarcasm or irony or self-deprecation. (Lockhart, at least, provides occasional scoops about goings-on in my neighborhood.) Can he really be so myopic and self-absorbed as to think that because he writes about himself he's somehow notable or worthy of attention? Isn't that taking the whole "I think, therefore I am" business a bit too far? It's not like the Times is an arbiter of cool, after all...
I salute you, Schroeder! You have my permission to continue blogging.
May 20, 2003
From The Files: Dr. Strangle | 09:55 AM
Being the fourth in an ongoing series of rare and unpublished works by the author which, for one reason or another, were never presented to the public at large.
Title: "Paging Dr. Strangle"
Hotspots | 09:34 AM
Responding to rumor control, Wiley's Dawg submits this report on current gay hotspots.
"silly boy, the backroom at urge closed ages ago... hotspots tend to be different each night of the week. last night, for example, i went to 'park' which is the hottest gay bar for a sunday. the slide is the newest. the cock is the sleaziest. b-bar on tuesdays (beige) is still pretty trendy for the upscale fashion-loving people-spotting gays.
wow. i need to stop going out so much."
UPDATE: Aaron writes "Wiley's Dawg knows nothing! Therapy in Hell's Kitchen is *the* It-spot for trendy, good-looking gay boys, although it just opened, so he probably hasn't heard of it."
DAWG BITES BACK: He writes:
'Then they started 'Queer Factor' with Danny Pantaro...and I couldn't take it...so I left...didn't even get a drink so I don't even know if it's expensive or not...'
hmmm. Danny Pantaro. doesn't sound trendy or cool to me..."
May 19, 2003
Rumor Control | 11:41 AM
One of the problems with being this famous is the constant deluge of malicious gossip. For my own peace of mind, and for the safety of my family, I'd like to set the record straight:
• Any photos of me topless, smoking and pregnant on a balcony, being fondled by Michael Douglas, are likely to be forgeries.
May 18, 2003
Now That I'm Famous: Press | 07:53 PM
Almost six months of being famous, and the New York Times only now gets around to writing about me? Scandalous. And they think they can make it up to me by featuring me in two articles at once? I think not, Grey Lady. I think not.
May 17, 2003
Now! Category Archives! | 11:57 PM
With the new, high-technology Movable Type category archives (available in the sidebar), it's easy to find the jvg.com posts that best match your interest, whether that be my exciting life now that I'm famous or in my instructive early years, whether it be my little-known artistic works or my cash-cow theatrical endeavors, my inebriated gallivants or my sobering thoughts, my press, my hard-hitting journalism, or my insightful news analysis, my far-ranging travels, my loosely-hinged famous friends, or my somewhat disturbing dreams.
A Sobering Thought | Detritus | Dreamlog | Famous Friends | From The Files | Inbox | NYC | News Analysis | Now That I'm Famous | Observed/Overheard | Press | Production Updates | Quotation Ad Propositum | Reviews & Awards | The Early Years | The Gallivants of Fame | Today in History | Travels | Works
May 16, 2003
The Early Years: Works | 10:20 AM
In 1992, at the tender age of 18, I was required to submit a 25 page portfolio for my writing class. After much discussion, our teacher settled on this definition of a "page" of poetry: 10 lines.
The result: no less than five poems in my portfolio titled "filler," each one a masterpiece of lyrical avoidance, and all exactly 10 lines. Finally, three of these poems are available for public enjoyment.
Filler 4: the final straw
May 15, 2003
Behind the news | 04:02 PM
For those of you wondering what I am so studiously typing in tonight's "Buddy" segment on Eyewitness News Providence (Fox 64, WNAC @ 10pm or CBS 12, WPRI @ 11pm), here's a peek at the actual unedited text created during the filming:
Fake Channel12 News Writing
May 14, 2003
Now That I'm Famous: Verbing | 08:43 PM
It seems inevitable that I be the next luminary chosen for such treatment. However, for the record, I'd like to point out that "verbing" may not be sufficient for a celebrity of my calibre. A more appropriate linguistic homage would be to use my name in a manner similar to the way the Smurfs used the word "smurf" in the popular 80s television show "The Smurfs."
exempli gratia: "Hey, what the jonathanvangieson are you jonathanvangiesoning to that jonathanvangieson? You better jonathanvangieson the hell out of here before I jonathanvangieson a 6-foot jonathanvangieson up your jonathanvangieson."
May 13, 2003
Expenses You Cannot Deduct | 11:22 PM
Apropos "Buddy", Wiley's Dawg sends in this scan from his tax instruction book:
May 10, 2003
"Buddy" Cianci: the musical | 11:25 AM
To round out the jvg.com week of theater-related posts, a staggering announcement:
"Buddy" Cianci: the musical has been accepted to the 2003 New York Fringe Festival (FringeNYC), the spawning ground for such hits as Broadway's Urinetown, Tiny Ninja Theater, and Man of Infinite Desire.
The Van Gieson/Tarantino-penned epic about the much beloved and twice convicted ex-mayor of Providence, R.I., produced by 4Panel Productions, will feature such rollicking new neo-swing tunes as "The Armpit of New England," "Operation: Plunderdome," and "The Ass You Have to Kiss Today."
FringeNYC runs Friday, August 8 through Sunday, August 24.
For your enjoyment, the official blurb:
May 09, 2003
More Theatrical Gallivants | 06:26 PM
May I recommend the vaudevillian antics of The Golden Age in their newest show Is There A Doctor in the House? I caught opening night on Wednesday at the Metropolitan Playhouse, which delivered a cavalcade of great bits stolen from the "era of lunatic virtuosity." In fact, I stole many of the same bits — including the classic line "A girl backed into an airplane propeller: disaster" — for my junior year playwriting effort, Burlesque, written at the tender age of 20. The Golden Age does it much better than I did, but then again, I only wrote the damn thing to meet girls. Is There a Doctor in the House? runs through May 17th. More info here.
May 08, 2003
6 Performances Left | 02:34 AM
While we're on the subject of Tiny Ninja Theater, you've only got six chances left to see the vending machine thespians before they head out to Germany and Sweden. Tonight is one of them.
Tiny Ninja Theater presents Romeo & Juliet runs Thursday at 6pm and Sunday at 1pm for the next two weeks, and Tiny Ninja Theater presents MACBETH shows Saturdays at 2pm, both at the Bowery Poetry Club. More info and advance tickets here.
May 07, 2003
Famous Friends Update | 10:43 AM
Anne racks up another rave review, this time from The Washington Post. Meanwhile, Dov will be on the radio tonight, talking about, of all things, Tiny Ninjas. In NYC, tune in to 89.1 FM at 7:30, or listen online.
May 01, 2003
New Features | 03:30 PM
Following Lock in to the wonderful realm of Movable Type means I'll be rolling out some delightful new features on jvg.com. First out of the gate: Live DreamLog Analysis. Yes, now you can stick your finger into the juicy pie of my unconcious right here on the site.
For those of you have already submitted you analyses via email, no need no worry: I've plugged them all in already. For those of you who need to catch up, a brand new DreamLog archive, where you can sniff your way into the muskiest corners of my mind, then tell the world what you found there.
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