Jonathan Van Gieson . com
Two Snail or Not Two Snail?
by Jay Veegee


Updated Weekly | The Beginning | Previously
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December 31, 2003

Oh, for pity's sake | 11:40 AM

"Hipsters" rejoice! Lockhart rolls out his second annual Lower East Side Awards. Lock claims the neighborhood "seized the spotlight and refused to leave the stage in 2003." More accurately, it "took one more dainty little step in its slow but inevitable crawl towards becoming a downtown version of the Upper East Side."

December 29, 2003

Damn those pirates | 03:16 PM

From IMDb's Movie News:

In New York, ticket prices broke the $10 barrier for the first time, with admission prices upped to $10.25 for adults and $6.75 for children... Nationally, ticket prices rose about 4 percent in 2003, the Wall Street Journal observed, noting that despite the rise, gross revenue for the year declined about 1 percent, translating to a drop of 4.23 percent in actual ticket sales. The newspaper suggested that a significant cause of the drop may be attributed to piracy.
Oh, yeah. The piracy. It MUST be the piracy. The fact that the price of a movie ticket in New York is twice the hourly minimum wage has nothing to do with it. Everybody thinks a family trip to the movies is worth more than a full day's salary.

8 hours at $5.15/hr = $41.20
Total salary after taxes = $32.67

Movie Tickets:
Two adults @ $10.25 = $20.50
Two children @ $6.75 = $13.50
Total tickets = $34.00
Plus Popcorn = $678.25

December 24, 2003

Mixed Heritage Holiday Carol | 06:03 PM

Direct from the comic strip, the complete
Mixed Heritage Holiday Carol

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree
Come light the menorah
We'll mark the birth of Jesus C.
While reading from the torah!
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel: I made it out of clay
Oh what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh!
I saw Mama kissing Hanuk-Claus
Beneath the Kwanzaa bush last night
And a latke in a pear tree!

December 19, 2003

BOAfn | 01:22 PM

For those of you who don't have the super-extra cable required to view CNNfn, Lock has been kind enough to provide a blow-by-blow of Book of Ages' Wednesday appearance on The FilpSide.

Caption: Interview complete, the grinning idiots grin idiotically.

Meanwhile, sad tidings on the Guerilla Book Tour front: today's reading, scheduled to feature's favorite stalker, Aaron Bailey, has been cancelled, due to a raging sickness that has ripped through the BOA team in much the same way as an excited reader rips through the book itself. Although the appearance has been rescheduled for Monday, Mr. Bailey will not be able to attend, as he will be returning home to stalk the state of Michigan.

Grinning Idiots Go National. []
Guerilla Book Tour Day 1 with photos by []
Guerilla Book Tour Day 2 []

December 18, 2003

Paris Hilton, Meet My Naked Wife | 10:37 AM

Glad tidings for those of you who have been clamoring for video of my naked wife on the internet (yes, Lockhart, I'm looking at you); that happy time has arrived, in the form of JVG, AVR, and DA's Submission for the "30 Seconds Against Bush" Contest. One might ask; is the creation of this ad a genuine act of political outrage, or a feeble excuse to get my wife to disrobe for the camera? Who cares? Dude, she's naked. And hot.

Watch "Patriot Act: Smells Familiar"

One pundit suggested that it was because of the excellence this ad that Bush scheduled the press conference which stymied the Book of Ages TV appearance. Seem unlikely? Consider this: voting for the contest was scheduled to begin on Monday, the same day we were originally scheduled to appear on CNNfn. But it was delayed until Wednesday, the same day that we actually appeared. What are the chances that two events would both be cancelled on the same day AND rescheduled for the same day? Infinitesimal, that's what., oblivious to the opportunity for some delicious meta-commentary, appears to be attempting a "fair" voting procedure, so you will not be allowed to rate our ad from the watching page. Instead, after enjoying the delights of my wife's undress, you must log in and vote one by one on over 1,000 ads, presented in random order, many of which have no nudity at all. Eventually, you may encounter "Patriot Act: Smells Familiar" again. Keep on truckin'!

Let's face it, that Paris Hilton video ain't got nothing on ours. Except, of course, for the hardcore sex.

Dick Cheney comments: "Funny thing about the movie: No Bush! "

Al comments: "Well, that's sort of the point, isn't it?"

Mick Grebble comments: "Ya should have added the Nazi footage like I told you! (refering to the big brooha ha about the Nazi submissions)"

Book Tour Erupts into Stores | 03:57 AM

2003_12_gbt.gifDon't worry, there's still two days left in the Book of Ages Guerilla Book Tour, wherein the hapless authors of the text descend on unsuspecting vendors and inscribe copies of the manuscript to eager fan(s).

Today's stop: Barnes & Noble at 3rd Ave/52nd St, 12:00-12:15pm

December 17, 2003

Email Update | 03:47 PM

To anyone who has emailed me through the website in the past few months, please don't think I did not respond just because I'm famous and you're not. In fact, I just discovered that I had not set up the forwarder for the web address, and so only received your emails today.

To which I will not be responding, because I'm famous and you're not.

What Can Brown Do For You?™ | 01:47 AM


Apparently, UPS is willing to go out on a limb and say that my package will under no circumstances be delivered before 10:30am today, leaving only a brief 13.5 hour window during which I will need to be home to receive it. How do they do it?

December 16, 2003

Notes on Simon & Gafunkel in D.C. | 02:25 PM

The whole "reunion tour" would be much more convincing had there been any indication whatsoever that Simon & Garfunkel could actually stand each other. The brief moments of bodily contact — a fleeting arm around the shoulders, a momentary touch of raised hands — were belied by the fact that the long-separated duo, over the course of a two-hour concert, never once made eye contact with each other. The overrehearsed "playfully off-the-cuff banter" about their multi-decade feud would have been much easier to chuckle at if the singers, when running through a fairly predictable Greatest Hits set, had been at any moment face-to-face rather than pointedly back-to-back.

Sad, because them boys sure do sound good together.

Connect the Dots: CONSPIRACY! | 12:14 PM

What dire motive induced George W. Bush to schedule a press confrence yesterday, deliberately bumping two happless Book of Ages authors from their scheduled CNNfn appearance?

Perhaps this image has something to do with it...


...more intrigue to come...

December 15, 2003

Conspiracy Theory | 01:23 PM

What is the mysterious connection between George W. Bush, CNNfn, Book of Ages, and my naked wife?

Stay tuned for the horrifying truth...

December 14, 2003

Which celebs have been nude with JVG | 01:57 PM

Browsing my referrer logs, I discovered, which seems to be a search engine of some sort.

If the results of a search for "JVG" are any indication, that sort is: the best damn search engine on the internet. Who else can track down links to my nude dalliances with celebrities AND offer me at the absolute lowest prices? No one, that's who.

Indexed listings for JVG
JVG - now with the Paris Hilton Stolen Video
JVG and the Paris Hilton sex video. Find what you're looking for about JVG and download the stolen sex video everyone is out to get.  (Last Mod: 2003/11/21 Size: 292529k)

... Find JVG cheap at Amazon. JVG at deep discounts. Some so cheap that its free!. Search results for JVG has turned up a total of ...  (Last Mod: 2003/01/10 Size: 220529k)

Free live videos of JVG
Ifriends features live videos of JVG . There are literally THOUSANDS of live video feeds, some with JVG being broadcasted..There is a membership, but its 100% free. Get free live feeds of JVG broadcasted 24 hours a day. (Last Mod: 2003/11/10 Size: 34529k)

JVG listings at
List of products and services related to JVG at Find exactly what you're looking for and more about JVG at one of the best search portals on the internet. Find out what bobbakazoo has dealing with JVG .  (Last Mod: 2003/11/16 Size:39529k)

JVG at Tiger Direct
... Links and information about JVG . Find out where to buy JVG at the absolute lowest prices. JVG for free on at ...  (Last Mod: 2003/01/10 Size: 220529k)

JVG - Find a Celeb free pictures
Find a celeb reviews the hottest nude celebrity movies. Here are the listings that match the search term JVG . Find out what Find a Celeb has to say about JVG . Which celebs have been nude with JVG in their movies.  (Last Mod: 2003/08/11 Size: 132529k)

(While we're on the subject of nudity, be sure to tune in next week for links to video of my hot, talented, and now naked wife.)

December 13, 2003

Please Welcome Our Next Guest: the Discontented Elf | 02:34 AM

Yesterday, the Discontented Elf's SantaLand was invaded by the film crew of "A Certain Late-Night Talk Show Humorist." The upshot: a sneak preview of a holiday-based "Main Ten List" [name changed oh-so-slightly but ah-how-obviously to maintain plausible deniability] which, if the "highly officious PA’s" are to be believed, will be broadcast early next week.

A List of the Main Ten Things
Santa Doesn’t Want to Hear

6: “Mommy says you’re my real daddy.” (Santa’s unscripted response: “Well, Mrs. Claus is up in the North Pole. I’ll have to ask her about that.”)

5: “While I’m sitting here with you, Mommy is shoplifting blouses.” (Ultimately unsuccessful, as little Vin didn’t know the word blouses and consequently couldn’t say it clearly in any of his ten takes.)

4: “I love you, Kenny Rogers.” (See above.)

Now is the Winter of Our Discontented Elf []

December 12, 2003

Six Beers Later, We Promised We'd Link | 11:50 AM

And so we will. So we will.

December 10, 2003

Dreamlog: Back to School | 12:42 PM

A few weeks back, I had a dream that I went back to High School for their Graduate Program, which must have been a loverly dream, because I woke up with a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Last night, I had a dream that I went back to College for their Graduate Program, which was a full-out dimly-lit ominous sound-effect gloom-fest. Lots of warm dark earth tones, like a WB drama. Walking across a noirish quad, having realized I've just missed registration and I'm 10 years older than anyone else, brow furrowed in an attempt to figure out why exactly I re-enrolled, and all that.

Conclusion: If choosing to pursue a Master's Degree, then my BEST choice may be my grade school. This is proved by transitivity.

December 09, 2003

But They're Both so PRETTY! | 11:09 AM

Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman breaking up? Not if I can help it!

Jen comments: "This is like Larry King's column in USA Today. Make it stop!"

Gosh and Golly Gee Gordon Liddy! | 11:07 AM

What's all this I hear about a Paris Hilton sex tape? Wow!

Holy Cripes! | 11:00 AM

Hey, anyone else notice that huge blizzard a few days back? Whooo-eee! Now THAT was a lot of snow!

December 05, 2003

The Early Years: Old Friends | 06:05 PM

Going through the Van Gieson Archives (available to the public by appointment only), I happened across my 5th Grade yearbook which, on the autographs page, contained heartwarming messages from my closest grade school friends.


Such fond memories. Though I'm still in contact with some associates from that era, including Miranda, Sarah, and David (author of the note "Your weird" above — all these years later, has your opinion changed, David? HAS IT?) I have lost touch with most of these fond autographers. And yet I wonder, what are they up to these days? Have they fulfilled their childhood ambitions as outlined on the yearbook's "What I Want to Be When I Grow Up" page? Are they living out their 5th Grade dreams? Sadly, several minutes of Google searching reveals that the answer, most likely, is no.

Eben Davidson
Inscription: "[something crossed out] Shut up pee Eben"
WIWTBWIGU: Oscar-Winning Actor
If he's the same Eben Davidson who is an executive assistant to Scott Rudin, he seems to have settled for a life behind the camera. One wonders if he ever calls Mr. Rudin "pee."

Amilcar Dohrn-Melendez
Inscription: "Get the hell out of my life, piss-brain! Just kidding! Bye Amilcar"
WIWTBWIGU: Archaeologist
Far from digging in the dirt, Amilcar seems to be working at McCabe's guitar shop in LA, unless that's a different Amilcar Dohrn-Melendez.

Colin Dwyer
Inscription: "Go bye, bye, from me (Colin)"
Sadly, despite his wishes, Colin was not able to go bye bye for very long, transferring to my middle school a scant 2 years later and staying in the vicinity through High School graduation. Though Google features many Colin Dwyers doing various things, word on the street (20th street, I think it was) puts Col-Col as a full-blown vet nowadays.

Molly Rubin
Inscription: "I now [sic] your [sic] hiperactive [sic] and your [sic] a jerk but I hope you plan on getting nicer from Molly"
Dude, Molly was totally hot for me. Now, she's either a "web surfer", a designer, a religious scholar, or sixty years old.

Jessica Sittner-Schwarting
Inscription: "Have a good summer weirdo, Jessica"
WIWTBWIGU: Veterinarian
The only "Jessica Schwarting" on the internet is working at the Sheppard Pratt Health System in Maryland. Don't be disappointed that you're not a vet, Jessica. Remember, people are animals, too.

Well, friends, I hope you're all happy in your new careers, and not feeling too harshly the shame of having disappointed your 5th Grade selves. If you're ever in the neighborhood, drop a note in the comments.

Friend comments: "Shut up, pee."

miranda comments: "Oh, I am so going to have to dig up my 5th grade yearbook now. I remember Eben Davidson signing my yearbook in a big orange marker, and that weird x-shaped snake thingy looks shockingly familiar. Someone left a similar imprint on my yrbk. I don't remember if Amilcar signed mine, but I remember that pic of him & Eben at halloween, one of them in drag and the other lookin' like a biker boy... do you have that somewhere?"

JVG comments: "Photo is here. That wasn't Almicar, that was this guy. And do you recognize one of the clowns in the next photo over?"

m comments: "Oh yeah! Wow, we have a lot of actors in our alumni, huh. Eben looks fierce there, yo. Actually I recognize three out of four clowns :)"

Eben comments: "wow... I dont remember much. but it's cool that Amilcar is in LA since I live out here now, I will look him up. ... "

Colin comments: "Well imagine my surprise when I googled myself I found my 5th grade entry in your yearbook is the number one hit on my name/career. I knew my accomplishments peaked early."

Sarah Killeen comments: "I googled Jessica Schwarting, to track her down, and found this. I was in the same class but have blocked out many memories. remember your name but not your face. Hm. Will go look it up. Where are your comics syndicated? "

Jessica S comments: "What a blast from the past. Hey that's me, I'm one of the clowns! I think that's Antonia next to me. "

December 03, 2003

A Year of Living Famously | 05:20 PM

Today marks a banner day in the history of the internet: the first anniversary of the launching of this eponymous web presence.

Yes, friends, I now celebrate one year of being famous. And — as it will — the yoke of celebrity has taught some brutal lessons. I can no longer see the world through those wide-eyed rose-colored glasses of innocence. I now know both the joy and the pain of fame, from the bitter rivalries with Tina Brown to the the harsh criticism of that most respected of all theatrical reviewers, The Wall Street Journal. I now know the sting of the gossipists, the bitter resentment of the unfamed, the chilling fear of being stalked. I know, to put it bluntly, some stuff.

For all that, I would not go back. Nay, I could not go back. Nor would I, if I could. Which I can't. But what I can do is share the wisdom I have gathered during the past twelve months, casting it out to the internet like pearls before — and after — swine. It is my sincerest hope that the young will read these meditations and take them to heart and, hopefully, learn a little something in the process. For that, my friends and concubines, that is what makes it all worthwhile. That, and the constant ego-stroking. God, I love the ego-stroking.

Lessons Learned in a Year of Fame:
• There's no business like show business
• Where there's a will, there's a way
• A bird in the hand etcetera
• Blah blah blah blah spilt milk
• The Hanuman or Gray langur is the most terrestrial of the colobines (p. 410, The Encyclopedia of Mammals Dr. David Macdonald, Ed. Barnes & Noble Books, 1999)

A Winter's Tale | 01:34 PM

Forget Elf and Bad Santa. This holiday season, the real action is over at brand-new web presence, which will deliver "a near-daily update from the trenches of SantaLand, as reported by an actual 'seasonal employee' of a major New York department store."


In her two days on the job so far, our intrepid Elf — despite being under the watchful video surveillance of store security — has created intricate dramas involving the oversized plaster dolls, attempted to annoy the neighboring furniture department, and taken a surprisingly small amount of pictures of children on Santa's lap. With only 22 Shopping Days Until Christmas, things can only get worse.

Discontented Elf []

(Eagle-eyed readers will notice that I've taken a "Published by" credit on this blog. This has no real meaning, but it makes me feel important.)

December 02, 2003

A Sobering Thought | 04:34 PM

Should the lonely blog?

If not, who will blog for the lonely?

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A Sobering Thought | Comic Strip | Detritus | Dreamlog | Famous Friends | From The Files | Inbox | News Analysis | Now That I'm Famous | NYC | Observed/Overheard | Photos | Press | Production Updates | Quotation Ad Propositum | Reviews & Awards | The Early Years | The Gallivants of Fame | The Perfect Sentence | Today in History | Travels | Works |

« November 2003 | Main | January 2004 »

Fine Burlesque Entertainments
Nasty Canasta
Official Burlesque Artist of, cheese queen of Coney Island
Jonny Porkpie
Nasty puppeteer and Burlesque Mayor of New York City.


Tales from the Established Norm
The post-college episodes of the strip from college.
One strip. One thousand endings.

Fred, The Obnoxious Goldfish
An angry slice of piscine fury from the mind of Jay Veegee
One-shot from the files.
Faust: a Primer
Created for the program of Man of Infinite Desire

Produces Interesting Theater. Such as...
Tiny Ninja Theater
No Small Parts. Only Small Actors.
Hudson Valley Playreading Series
"Buddy" Cianci: The Musical
Rhode Island's most popular politician, six times elected, twice convicted

Book of Ages
"Exploring life's landmark ages in hilariously obsessive detail."
buy 30 | buy 40
buy Japanese 40
German 40 (unavailable)

Minor & Incomplete

The ANTAGONISTIC magazine.
Survivor Deadpool
Deadpool Dead.
A great idea!
Unpalatable Ball
Featuring the Discontented Elf.

I Know Them All
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