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Two Snail or Not Two Snail?
by Jay Veegee

Two

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THE WEBLOG ARCHIVES: March 2004

March 31, 2004

With 30 Comes Vague Change | 12:00 AM

Observant viewers may have noticed some minor cosmetic changes to jvg.com, enacted in celebration of my 30th Birthday. [Insert obligatory Book of Ages plug here.]

This entrancing new look is accompanied by equally entrancing minor content changes, including the re-introduction of a brand-new old comic strip returning to print on the web for the first time again! So strap on your hip waders and enjoy.

ITEMIZED: NEW! IMPROVED! JVG! DOT! COM! FEATURES!
• JVG: The Comic Strip temporarily more frequent!
For the rest of my birthday week, I will be premiering a full strip every day. WOW!

• "NOW THAT I'M FAMOUS" Weblog slightly improved!
In accordance with the requests made by you, the loyal readers, I will attempt to raise my blog commitment by one quarter-ass to a full half-ass. If this means returning to the glory days of grandiose statements regarding my own famousity, so be it.

• THE ADVENTURES OF ANDREW SNAIL slides in!
Close friend and compatriot Jay Veegee has agreed to allow me to publish his comic strip magnum opus, The Adventures of Andrew Snail (recently discussed in comments) on this site. The strip will appear at the bottom of this very page, updated weekly. Those of you lucky enough to have a copy of the limited edition first printing of The Adventures of Andrew Snail: The Book will recognize many of the initial offerings, but Veegee assures his reading public that once these run out, he will begin producing new ones.

Some have claimed that The Adventures of Andrew Snail is a litmus test for intelligence. Others have claimed it's a flagrant abuse of copier privileges. By law, you have the right to form your own opinion on the issue.


neilfred comments: "Hooray, the return of the Snail! So when will the long-awaited Andrew Snail t-shirts be available?"

March 30, 2004

The Perfect Sentence #23 | 11:52 PM
—Being an attempt to craft The Perfect Sentence—

She had the body of a woman half her size, only larger.


Lock comments: "Stop the monorail, I want to get off. "

wvg comments: "How much longer, Oh Lord, must we endure the torture, this must end. Give us Andrew Snail twice a week instead, it's gone too far, I can't stand it. The sentence sucks too. Happy Birthday !!!"

jba comments: "Write more sentences! Write four, five, a hundred a day if you have to. Don't give up. Don't ever give up. P.S. This last effort does suck."

March 29, 2004

The Perfect Sentence #22 | 12:37 PM
—Being an attempt to craft The Perfect Sentence—

Pretty, tiny little forthright fish giraffe and sing.


wvg comments: "Having achieved near perfection (in #21), the author returns to the silliness of several previous efforts, while plagiarizing the spirit of a Creedence Clearwater Revival song.("Lookin' Out My Backdoor"). I wish now we'd have told him he reached his goal with #21."

neilfred comments: "Personally, I was not impressed with #21, so I'm glad our fearless writer has persevered. As for this new rubbish... Well, keep trying."

Lebowitz comments: "ENOUGH WITH THE PERFECT SENTENCES ALREADY!! You made your point: you can craft a mighty good sentence. Now, can we move on and get back to your more interesting entries??? Thanks, Lebowitz "

March 26, 2004

The Perfect Sentence #21 | 12:41 AM
—Being an attempt to craft The Perfect Sentence—

His was a soul of pudding, and a heart of flan.


wvg comments: "He HAD a soul of pudding, and a heart of flan. Now that would have been perfect, but alas, another case of just not making the grade."

jba comments: "I think we have a winner! Flan! Ha!"

aeu comments: "I don't know what it means, but I like it! Though I prefer the phrase, "heart of pudding.""

March 23, 2004

The Perfect Sentence #20 | 06:46 PM
—Being an attempt to craft The Perfect Sentence—
Perhaps one of these sentences pulled at random from the project I should be working on even as I write this will be the perfect one.


Hareton shuffles through papers until he finds the envelope Heath was using to blackmail Hindley, who is so stupid he’s left it on his desk for the past several months.

The audience can now see that the next item is “Seduce Cathy”.

It’s the wrong boy, but what the hell.

UPDATE: Due to lack of reader response, all of the above sentences have been cut from the latest draft.


March 21, 2004

The Perfect Sentence #19 | 04:10 AM
—Being an attempt to craft The Perfect Sentence—
BY REQUEST, AN ATTEMPT AT A LONGER SENTENCE
He was born, since you ask, in a hospital, a small hospital now defunct or at least renamed, somewhere in Manhattan, I'm tempted to say in the upper regions but I have no firm evidence to substantiate that assertion, born naked and bright red, screaming, furious at the state of the thing, this unwarranted eviction from the residence to which he had become accustomed (an eviction, it would turn out, to be replayed some forty years later in a slightly different form, but that's another story), this breach of contract, this untimely ripping, not in the Shakespearean sense, he was no Macduff, but untimely in his own barely-formed mind, this propulsion into a cold world of lights and doctors and confused parents who, in their haste to progenate, had failed to consider the subtleties of infant nomenclature, a substantial oversight as it turned out, considering the consequences, considering the fact that the title, the designation assigned to the birth certificate in the absence of naming was something that, in one way or another, he would — consciously or not — spend his whole life attempting to embody, so much so that when his sister, cleaning out his parents' attic after the accident, had found the document, she had laughed so hard and so long that he had considered calling an ambulance, but then had laughed too when he saw what the nurse had so haphazardly scribbled on the piece of paper that defined his entry into the world, they had laughed together not at the irony but at the appropriateness, the foresight of the words printed in block letters above two tiny black footprints, the name that, even now, at middle age, would fit him better than his own: "Baby Boy."
wvg comments: "I am forced to challenge, with as much rightous anger as I can muster, the writer of this so-called 'sentence', whose ambitions have now become as monstrous as those of some of the later writers of our generation, to provide, in the appropriate and correct format(which, by the way is probably not something he can produce with any accuracy), and as soon as possible, a reasonable,correct, and complete diagram of this purported 'sentence' which is, of course, not a sentence but a blatant attempt to cheat abominably by replacing periods, which, as we all know end sentences, with commas, which as each of us has learned through the ages in very basic and simplistic education, do not. Long, but not perfect, and beginning to show a hint of desperation."

mike comments: "Jeez, take it easy, Professor. I mean, sure, this one over-reached- a lot. But still, I like this new direction. Bulwer-Lytton contest, here you come!"

neilfred comments: "Having whole-heartedly applauded my esteemed colleague's previous "attempt at a longer sentence", I must now equally whole-heartedly condemn this, his even-longer next attempt. This new body of text not only fails to meet the rigorous standards of perfection, it even fails to meet the most basic requirements of sentencehood; a run-on sentence is no sentence at all. On a personal level, it is with heavy heart that I report my disappointment. The author's judgment was clearly twice impaired: first allowing him to produce this dreck, and then again allowing him to subject his readership to it. I humbly submit that Mr. Vee Gee would do well to return to the minimalistic simplicity which in his youth manifested in a fine work titled "The Adventures of Andrew Snail". -neilfred"

aeu comments: "Who do you think you are, Jonanthan Franzen?"

wvg comments: "One can only applaud the reference to 'ANDREW SNAIL', a work of minimalist brilliance, sadly neglected by the author as his fame increased. It is time to return to those days of innocence and abandon these futile bursts of grandiousity.(Is that a word ?)"

March 19, 2004

The Perfect Sentence #18 | 06:31 PM
—Being an attempt to craft The Perfect Sentence—
BY REQUEST, AN ATTEMPT AT A LONGER SENTENCE
"Enjoy the farm," said farmer Farmington, gesturing with one gnarled hand, his right hand, his good hand, his only remaining hand, to the silo which (much to his surprise, discomfort, and chagrin, though he was careful not to let the emotion creep into his expression, as his guests, according to his wife, were Very Important People from the United States Government, though given their haggard appearance and foreign accents he was beginning to have creeping doubts as to the veracity of this information) he now saw — damn those revolutionary bovines — was on fire.
neilfred comments: "Aha, now that's what I'm talking about! I applaud thee."

aeu comments: "Who are you, Jonathan Franzen?"

mike comments: "nice one."

wvg comments: "This sentence, while skillful, and full of words which flow trippingly, if not off the tongue, certainly from the keyboard, does not, however attain the heights of perfection the writer, (whose lofty goals we should all work toward) in his own unforgivable and pretentious way, has set for himself and for each and every one of us, is severly flawed(one might even say scarred) by the inclusion of a rather long,tedious, and irrelevant parenthetical remark (Joyce Carol Oates rears her head again) which adds little, subtracts much and multiplies the difficulty of evaluation by dividing our attention between what's between the parenthesis and outside them (not to say that either of those things is perfect either). Not perfect, but a noble try."

March 18, 2004

The Perfect Sentence #17 | 05:33 AM
—Being an attempt to craft The Perfect Sentence—

In my opinion, the capital of Michigan is Spain.


wvg comments: "Passable? Perhaps. Amusing? Doubtful. Perfect? See, change the name of Arkansas."

aeu comments: "Nonsense! Nonsense! Thwap!"

neilfred comments: "I like it. I think you're getting somewhere... Perfection? No, but perhaps you're on the verge of a breakthrough."

aeu comments: "Or a breakdown!"

StephanieKlein comments: "It left me with a wrinkled forehead, yet I kept re-reading it. I dig it, my friend, whomever you are."

March 17, 2004

For The Record | 02:42 PM

I'd like to state for the record that I have never, ever claimed to be famous.

"Famous" was simply a word thrown around by a few discontented troublemakers in the liberal media, and to suggest I, or anyone else in the JVG.com administration, should be censured by congress for "lying to the public" is ludicrous — even if, as some pundits claim, the U.S. invasion of Iraq was a direct result of my famousness.


March 15, 2004

The Perfect Sentence #16 | 02:19 PM
—Being an attempt to craft The Perfect Sentence—

Perhaps the act of trying to create the perfect sentence prevents me from doing so. Perhaps I simply must relax and let it flow. Perhaps I have written the perfect sentence already and unwittingly sent it to somone else. Just in case, a random samping of sentences from recent emails, verbatim as they appeared.

• There were things I wanted to change about this, what did you?
• Slightly around the ears.
• Still ha'int paid their bill.
• Some of them seem to have gotten lost in the web ether.
• Plus, send all graphics.
• I'll just be crying in my wife's garters.
• Was looking forward to having you over, in addition to the 1am striptease.
• What a jackass you am.
• Makes sense to swap them this afternoon, so we can arrive having read, and possibly commented on, them.
• Remind me to reward you with a hearty handshake.
• Well, you didn't gay happen to gay be there on that gay night.


Lock comments: "Selected others from my personal JVG email archives: "God, I'm bored today." "I had a similar encounter, later on." "Lemmie know if you wants to eat, or if you wants to dance." "So young, so innocent, so un-indicted." "Oh, you have no idea.""

wvg comments: " Following are my impressions of the current submissions (in letter grade format, as is appropriate) C D F B D X X F INCOMPLETE C C and from the archives above: D C D C D These grades have no numeric values, nor should they, as they have no value in real life. This should not be taken to imply that the sentences have a value, or a real life. Really, jvg should take a week off, go to the country and write the sentence, possibly then we might see a noble, if imperfect effort. Recycling old email sentences to avoid doing any work is such a Steven King thing to do. If jvg wants to be taken seriously, he should produce volumes of new sentences completely without meaning, like Norman Mailer or Neal Stephenson."

March 13, 2004

Now Playing | 04:05 AM

Now playing at the Flatbush Avenue Pavilion, Flatbush Avenue, Brooklyn:

Lord of the Rings
Passion of the Christ
Dawn of the Dead


aeu comments: "Post of the Silly."

March 11, 2004

The Perfect Sentence #15 | 10:34 PM
—Being an attempt to craft The Perfect Sentence—

His hyperlink was unrepentant.


aeu comments: "Well, this made me giggle. "

Lock comments: "Damn straight, biatch. "

wvg comments: "No, no, no. This only continues the last entry's blatant grab for immediacy. It has no texture and it's flavor is flat and uninspiring. It's also very short."

neilfred comments: "I think I'm with wvg on the shortness. More long sentences, I say. Maybe go for even longer than you have yet attempted!"

jba comments: "More spelling errors."

jvg comments: "Wei? His hyperlink was unrepentant."

aeu comments: "Shortness can be a virture. Look at Lock's comments, above?"

jba comments: "This sentence (fragment really) from a current jvg writing project is hereby submitted for review: "Pretty good for a man with his hand up a frog’s ass.""

wvg comments: "Unless this is a religious project, I would have to tone the sentence down a bit."

March 10, 2004

The Perfect Sentence #14 | 12:33 PM
—Being an attempt to craft The Perfect Sentence—

"FROG you, MacRib," enthused Detritus.


wvg comments: "Now,here I thought you were taking this seriously, and you prostitute your emerging art with this blatant grab for commercial success. Well, enjoy your fame, sell out. I am ashamed to have encouraged you. Write a sitcom why don't you ?"

aeu comments: "Plus it just doesn't make any froggin' sense."

March 09, 2004

The Perfect Sentence #13 | 01:06 PM
—Being an attempt to craft The Perfect Sentence—

I began and ended in a strange place, where there were neither lies told nor promises made.


wvg comments: "I must say, quite a long wait, quite a long sentence, but still, not perfect, not close. However, quite interesting, in a somewhat amusing way. It's pretentions are amusing."

aeu comments: "Rather like the sentence-man himself."

Sterling comments: "I ain't much for fancy writin', but I'm pretty sure the perfect sentence will include the word "chimp"."

March 08, 2004

A Sobering Thought | 02:02 PM

Would Passion of the Christ have done as well if Gibson had called it Beating the Fuck Out Of Jesus?


aeu comments: "Probably not."

wvg comments: "But then again . . ."

neilfred comments: "I initially read this as a proposed "perfect sentence", since that's the only kind of blog entry we've seen here for a while. Then I was disappointed when I then read the title of the entry."

aeu comments: ""Fred" has a point. I think it's the best sentence yet!"

aeu comments: ""Fred" has a point. I think it's the best sentence yet!"

aeu comments: "See? It's so nice, I said it twice!"

wvg comments: "Accidental efforts are always the most successful."

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