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Two Snail or Not Two Snail?
by Jay Veegee

Two

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THE WEBLOG ARCHIVES: April 2004

April 29, 2004

Upcoming Events | 03:56 PM

An email forwarded by JVG.com's favorite burlesque artist reveals a shocking fact about the month of May, and news about an opportunity for YOU to appear upcoming HBO show, which will film the celebration of the Month sponsored by a well-regarded Lower East Side sextablishment:

"Masturbation May 2004
Every year Toys in Babeland celebrates Masturbation May with our unique fundraising event, the Masturbate-a-thon. Our goal is to raise masturbation awareness while raising funds for groups that promote sexual health... The Masturbate-a-thon premise is simple. Participants receive a sponsorship form from Toys in Babeland and ask their friends to sponsor them for each minute they masturbate on May 16th. In the past people have done the event in the privacy of their own homes. But this year we are inviting you to share your masturbation with the world by joining us for a unique event that will be filmed by HBO. If you are participating in our event, you’ll join us and a team of masturbation gurus, sex experts and jill-off cheerleaders who will inspire you and keep you going at the most festive orgasm circle in town.

...The Masturbate-a-thon filming will take about 8 hours on May 16th in a Manhattan dance studio. Filming slows things down; the result will air as a two-hour event. Don’t worry— you won’t have to rub yourself raw. There will be breaks!

...Our primary goal for the event is to bring masturbation out of the closet, and for a good time to be had by all. The goal is to get people to talk about female masturbation."

Well, people? Get talking. Or whatever.

• Masturbation May NYC
• Other Masturbate-a-thons: Portland, OR, San Francisco


aeu comments: "I thought I was your favorite burlesque artist!"

April 26, 2004

Objections to The L Word | 01:52 PM

A small Australian Christian organization has lobbied advertisers to withdraw support from the Showtime drama "The L Word," objecting to scenes of "self-insemination," in which the characters, well, self-inseminate with donor sperm.

The main problem, as described by the Aussies, is that the lesbians are "bringing children into the world who haven't got fathers."

Xina observes: "Like... umm... JESUS?"


aeu comments: "That's pretty freakin' funny"

The Perfect Sentence #25 | 12:44 AM
—Being an attempt to craft The Perfect Sentence—

Recently, some have complained about the lack of attempts to craft the perfect sentence; others have not.


jba comments: "Please, let's settle this, once and for all. It's time to vote!"

wvg comments: "Complaints, if they existed, did not originate in this quarter. The complainers must be silenced, and this futile quest abandoned."

Tokyo Sexwale comments: "I've enjoyed many of the 'Perfect Sentence' attempts; however, I can't help but wonder whether the greatest joy is to be found in the attempt, rather than the result. Also. The Perfect Sentence #0 (I will be posting attempts here for your perusal; feel free to leave your impressions.) is actually one of my favorites so far. It's simple, error-free, and it means something. It contains a fair amount of concinnity without over-reaching or being too obvious. A winner?"

Tokyo Sexwale comments: "Oh, one more thing. An entry, via IM: I am less odd, no? ..."

April 23, 2004

David Beckham, I feel your pain | 11:25 PM

God, how many times have adult TV channels paid my ex-girlfriends $442,000 to recreate with a lookalike a night of sex they allegedly had with me?

Far, far too many, that how many. I still maintain that I should get a percentage.


neilfred comments: "Ooh, hey, do I still count as your lookalike? Let's see, who are your ex-girlfriends? Hm..."

April 22, 2004

Election Day is coming | 07:31 PM

Show plugging time again:

Cagey Productions' The Golden Age in Exit! Stage Right! returns this Monday for another free show! Details Here.

Plus, as promised, details about a free reading of a show about the wacky misadventures of a corrupt politician...

ELECTION DAY
by Joel Henry Stein and Alex Goldberg
a staged concert reading

"Finally, a political musical comedy for the people! Take a break from the current political scene and watch Democrat and womanizer President Elliot Goodrich run for re-election against the charismatic but dim Wyoming Governor Nathan Burke."

Tuesday, April 27th and Wednesday April 28th @ 7:00pm
The Triad Theater, 158 West 72nd Street (between Broadway and Columbus)

Free admission, 2 drink minimum.

• ElectionDayMusical.us


April 21, 2004

Thanks for the home run, Emil. | 04:21 PM

One of my favorite famous author friends has moved back to Minnesota and started a blog about the "Twins," which is apparently a base-ball team. Today's update includes a lego-based reenactment of last night's game... (Spacemen=Twins, Knights=Tigers)

"The pitcher scrambles for the ball, while Punto runs to first and Ryan dashes for home!"

• Bat-Girl.com ("Less stats, more sass.")


April 18, 2004

Andrew Snail: A Look Back | 08:45 PM

As the Andrew Snail Archives are activated, Jay Veegee's historians remind me that the strip's debut on this site coincided with the eleventh (11th) anniversary of its creation.

AN INTERESTING HISTORICAL NOTE: In an unexpected nomenclatural happenstance similar to that of a certain iconic corporate rodent (at one point called "Mortimer Mouse"), the strip's original title "The Adventures of Anderson Snail," was shortened by an overzealous copyeditor sometime in the hours before publication. And so, a legend was born.


neilfred comments: "When will the TFTEN anthology be published?"

April 16, 2004

Bucket of Blood | 12:15 AM

Certain Disaster weighs in with a story that encapsulates every critique I got while earning my Art Degree in college. My most enthusiastic crit ever came with a sculpture that I threw together a few hours earlier at Ann & Hope. At least, it was enthusiastic until I started giggling because people were taking it seriously. Then it got ugly.

Certain Disaster's Critique Story:
...The project was an installation that included some photography, sculpture, and a bucket filled with 'blood'. The crit focused, of course, on the bucket.

Teacher: (dipping her fingers into the bucket and then holding them up to the class) This project would be OK if he actually got the color right. You really should know by now that blood is actually more of a brown color. This is way too red. You need to study your color wheel a bit more closely. You should have mixed some more green paint in there ...
Me: Um ... Actually ...

And it just gets better from there...


April 15, 2004

The Golden Age | 01:11 PM

It's show-plugging time here at jvg.com!

Wuthering High co-producer Cagey Productions is putting on an hour-long version of the latest Golden Age show, EXIT! STAGE LEFT! The Golden Age has been getting accolades from all the most quotable publications (The New York Times: "THE GOLDEN AGE, a vaudeville group, brings fresh interpretations of a classic comedic style to this family show. A glance through the rear-view mirror." Backstage: "...A madcap, hilarious hour of non-stop comedy." The New Yorker: "Good old-fashioned comedy has returned to Times Square.") and now Cagey is going to let you see excerpts from their new show for free.

That's right, dammit, I said "free." Two Mondays only.
Here's what Cagey has to say:

Six Vaudevillian Actors. Five Bouncy songs. Four Desperate Acts. Three Deadly Weapons. Two Slamming Doors. One Crate of Dynamite.

You are invited to a Producer's Showcase of excerpts from
THE GOLDEN AGE in EXIT! STAGE LEFT!

Monday April 19th and 26th @ 6:30pm
Manhattan Theatre Club Studio 2
311 West 43rd Street, 8th Floor, NYC

you must RSVP!
by phone: 212-501-3991 | by email:
leave your name, number, # of guests and date attending

Don't miss it, or next time you may have to pay.

Coming next week: an invitation to a sneak preview of a new musical about the wacky misadventures of a corrupt politician...


April 11, 2004

Tiny Kinja Theater | 01:35 PM

Well, if you ask me, "Kinja" may well be the next "IRC chat!" I am now able to track — with near-pinpoint accuracy — updates to all of the most important sites on the web!

My digest demonstrates, surely, the epitome of what Kinja was designed for. It is, without a doubt, the high water mark of Kinja digests, and will likely remain so for years to come. Sadly, this may quickly put Kinja out of business, as it is doubtful that anyone but a few sad mistanthropes and loonies will want to waste valuable time creating their own digest when mine is available for the public use. (I offer this boon without charge, out of the goodness of my heart.)

• JVG's Kinja digest


April 05, 2004

Strip Reminders | 03:08 AM

Don't forget: this being Monday, there's a brand-new old Andrew Snail strip at the bottom of the page.

Plus, though as of today back to the panel per diem schedule, there were not one but two complete new JVG: The Comic Strip strips completed this weekend, completely. What could be more?


April 04, 2004

The Perfect Sentence #24 | 12:00 AM

He had the grace of a gazelle, and the body of a gazelle; he was, in point of fact, a gazelle.


neilfred comments: "I just found out that gazelles are within the family of antelopes. As are wildebeests and gnus. Weird. As for the sentence... Well, it's cute, but I think you'll only reach perfection when you stop trying to be clever. -neilfred"

wvg comments: "Oh my god, he was trying to be clever ?"

April 02, 2004

At long last, some sense of Decency | 01:59 PM

Broadcasters looking for a template upon which to base the suggested "decency code" need look no further than the Comics Code enacted in the 50s. In fact, were television to follow the code to the letter, the world would immediately become a better place, as it did in 1954 just moments after the code was put into effect for comics. Juvenile delinquency plummeted, grammar improved, and levelheadedness prevailed. Now, let us work together to create a television-watching world that will never again be subjected to the horror that is a woman's unclothed nipple, leaving only good, wholesome entertainment about beating the fuck out of Jesus!

EXCERPTS FROM THE COMICS CODE
• Policemen, judges, government officials, and respected institutions shall never be presented in such a way as to create disrespect for established authority.
• In every instance good shall triumph over evil and the criminal punished for his misdeeds.
• All scenes of horror, excessive bloodshed, gory or gruesome crimes, depravity, lust, sadism, masochism shall not be permitted.
• Scenes dealing with, or instruments associated with walking dead, torture vampires and vampirism, ghouls, cannibalism, and werewolfism are prohibited.
• Profanity, obscenity, smut, vulgarity, or words or symbols which have acquired undesirable meanings are forbidden.
• Although slang and colloquialisms are acceptable, excessive use should be discouraged and wherever possible good grammar shall be employed.
• Nudity in any form is prohibited, as is indecent or undue exposure.
• Suggestive and salacious illustration or suggestive posture is unacceptable.
• All characters shall be depicted in dress reasonably acceptable to society.
• Divorce shall not be treated humorously nor shall be represented as desirable.
• Passion or romantic interest shall never be treated in such a way as to stimulate the lower and baser emotions.
• Sex perversion or any inference to same is strictly forbidden.
• Respect for parents, the moral code, and for honorable behavior shall be fostered. A sympathetic understanding of the problems of love is not a license for moral distortion.


April 01, 2004

Birthday Greetings | 12:58 PM

As with any person of notoriety, my birthday was marked by the creation of several works of Art, many of which were conveyed to me via email. These celebratory creations include:

• A poem by a famous playwright, currently residing in England
• Blog entries in two different venues by noted blog-entry-maker L. Steele.
• A video by a well-regarded TV writer of her sister dancing to Missy Eliot.
• A song by the composer of Buddy Cianci: The Musical.
• and this message from a friend employed by corporate America:

Jon,

Is it true? Has the big three-0 hit? Congrats, dude. Welcome to (nominal) adulthood. Party on!

[Name Withheld]

CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE:
The information in this Internet email is confidential and may be legally privileged. It is intended solely for the addressee. Access to this email by anyone else is unauthorized.

The Confidentiality Notice to really brings a tear to the eye, don't it?


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Pinchbottom
Fine Burlesque Entertainments
Nasty Canasta
Official Burlesque Artist of JVG.com, cheese queen of Coney Island
Jonny Porkpie
Nasty puppeteer and Burlesque Mayor of New York City.

COMICS

Tales from the Established Norm
The post-college episodes of the strip from college.
Hypernorm
One strip. One thousand endings.

Fred, The Obnoxious Goldfish
An angry slice of piscine fury from the mind of Jay Veegee
Drool
One-shot from the files.
Faust: a Primer
Created for the program of Man of Infinite Desire


Produces Interesting Theater. Such as...
Tiny Ninja Theater
No Small Parts. Only Small Actors.
TheaterSounds
Hudson Valley Playreading Series
"Buddy" Cianci: The Musical
Rhode Island's most popular politician, six times elected, twice convicted

Illiterate
Book of Ages
"Exploring life's landmark ages in hilariously obsessive detail."
buy 30 | buy 40
buy Japanese 40
German 40 (unavailable)

Minor & Incomplete

Funct?
Antagozine
The ANTAGONISTIC magazine.
Survivor Deadpool
Deadpool Dead.
LiveBio
A great idea!
Unpalatable Ball
Featuring the Discontented Elf.

I Know Them All
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