Jonathan Van Gieson . com
Two Snail or Not Two Snail?
by Jay Veegee


Updated Weekly | The Beginning | Previously
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May 28, 2004

Update | 12:44 PM

Julie Goldman = Funny.

And engaged to friend Nikola.

And funny.

aeu comments: "and funny"

May 25, 2004

Now Appearing in a Mag Near You: Kate Lee | 06:01 PM

A woman who appeared with me in one of the ugliest photos ever taken of both of us is profiled in the New Yorker this week. Why, you ask, have I not linked to said photo? Because, dear readers, I respect you too much to subject you to such horror.

aeu comments: "But I want to SEE it!"

avr comments: "Me too!"

neilfred comments: "such a tease, that jvg..."

wvg comments: "We are unanimous in our demands. Show us the picture, now. This is an order."

Lock comments: "Because someone had to."

aeu comments: "Wow, that's a really crappy picture. Thanks, Lock!"

JVG comments: "What goes around..."

aeu comments: "Nope. JVG's is much worse."

May 24, 2004

Lockhart burdens himself with another Blog | 08:25 PM

Curbed. It's like, only more so. And, at the same time, less so.

May 21, 2004

Photography Advice from Slower | 12:42 PM

People all over the world have admired the fine photography from But how does proprietor Eliot take such fine photos, other than his amazing spoon trick? Perhaps this advice, submitted over IM, will shed some light:

"anything at a urinal is good"
The Proof

neilfred comments: "well, no disagreement here..."

May 17, 2004

Required Reading | 01:50 PM

From "NBC NEWS' MEET THE PRESS," Tim Russert interviewing Colin Powell:

Russert:  Finally, Mr. Secretary, in February of 2003, you placed your enormous personal credibility before the United Nations and laid out a case against Saddam Hussein citing...

[camera pans away from Colin Powell]

Powell:  Not off.

Emily:  No.  They can't use it.  They're editing it.  They (unintelligible).

Powell:  He's still asking me questions.  Tim.

Emily: He was not...

Powell:  Tim, I'm sorry, I lost you.

Russert:   I'm right here, Mr. Secretary.  I would hope they would put you back on camera.  I don't know who did that.

Powell:  We really...

Russert:  I think that was one of your staff, Mr. Secretary.  I don't think that's appropriate.

Powell:  Emily, get out of the way.

Emily:  OK.

Powell:  Bring the camera back, please.  I think we're back on, Tim.  Go ahead with your last question.

Russert: Thank you very much, sir... [asks question, Powell answers, signs off] ...And that was an unedited interview with the secretary of state taped earlier this morning from Jordan.  We appreciate Secretary Powell's willingness to overrule his press aide's attempt to abruptly cut off our discussion as I began to ask my final question.

Full Interview

jba comments: "So topical! From now on, will be my only source for news."

May 16, 2004

MT3: The Honeymoon's Over | 04:03 PM

Since SixApart introduced Movable Type 3.0 a couple days back, the internet has exploded in an angry haze of bitterness and recrimination. Despite the fact that the 6A folks subsequently changed some terms of service to address user concerns, my main fears about the new licensing remain, especially since they seem to affect me. F'rinstance, the strict limitations on number of blog authors:

"Author" means one individual with a unique login name generated by the Software via the "Add/Edit Weblog Authors" function of the Software who has logged in within the prior 90 days. The sharing of an individual login name for more than one person is prohibited.
Taking as an example, this would mean that if I went away for a week and did a backlog of comic strips to cover my absence, I would be in violation of the Terms of Service if I attempted to have someone else to update the blog for me. I couldn't (as I do now) create another user account for my friendly updater, and to give him my login name would be to angrily defy the TOS. What was once a simple favor from a friend becomes an act of rebellion.

Also of concern: the description of "non-commercial use":

"Non-Commercial Purposes" means use of the Software by an individual for publishing on a personal blog site on a single sever that does not directly or indirectly support any commercial efforts.
Given this definition, and other personal blogs which, on occasion plug the proprietors' publishing and other ventures but make no money themselves and serve no ads, would seem to "indirectly support... commercial efforts." Like most MT users, I don't want to knowingly violate license terms (mostly out of respect for a good product and the people who made it — in contrast, I don't even bother to read the Microsoft TOS) but I also don't want to stop plugging stuff I'm working on, or pay an extra $200 to do so.

I'm also sad because I was hoping for subcategories, but that has less to do with licensing.

aeu comments: "Do we just keep using the old MT?"

May 14, 2004

Snail is Slow in Coming | 01:16 PM

Due to rampant incompetence on the part of cartoonist Jay Veegee, there was no new Andrew Snail posted this Monday, resulting in a pained uproar from Veegee's fan.

This week's rollicking adventure, "Andrew Snail Can't Get A Date," is now online. Veegee has asked me to extend his sincere regrets for any inconvenience he may have caused.

neilfred comments: "Still waiting for the Andrew Snail t-shirt..."

May 12, 2004

Now Playing at a Theater Near You | 10:40 AM

The industrious folks over at Creative Priority have come up with this movie promo poster for a film about — you guessed it — ME.


And, with judicious editing, the movie description from Fandango works masterfully.
"It is the late 19th early 21st century. Famous monster hunter blogger Gabriel Jonathan Van Helsing Gieson ([played by] Hugh Jackman [with a cardboard cutout of a drawing of JVG glued to his face]) has come to Eastern Europe The Lower East Side with capable heroine Anna Xina Valerious (Kate Beckinsale [thinking "that nose," as indicated by a series of circles next to her head]) at his side. The showdown is near, between Van Helsing Gieson and the world's most evil forces, including Count DracLockula, the Wolf Steele Man and FrankenLockhartstein's Monster."

avr comments: "That pleased me. Almost as good as that incredible film. So close."

aeu comments: "It pleases me, too. It pleases me greatly."

jba comments: "This disturbs me."

May 10, 2004

FreshDirect recommendations: Dead on! | 01:22 PM

If you like peanuts, you might also enjoy... Beer!

Fresh Direct

May 05, 2004

New iPod features! | 05:53 PM

CabotVT IMs: "Strange story follows... I've started using my iPod to time-shift baseball games."

Maybe it's because I don't follow the national past-time, but I had no idea that the new iPods could actually alter the time-space continuum. Another victory for Apple!

Idioms useless in modern society | 05:15 PM

Xina reports this conversation passing her in the street:

"How do you lie like a rug? A rug doesn't lie."

Sarah comments: "Greetings"

May 04, 2004

Old Rivalries renewed on the internet! | 05:22 PM

Stuy grad Jen Chung gets on the soapbox at Gothamist to start some shit with my Alma, based on the article in New York Magazine. She sez:

"For the record, Gothamist has always thought of the Far Side cartoon, the one where a kid is pushing a pull door (or pulling a push door) at the School For Gifted Children, when we've thought of Saint Ann's."
Now, Jen; you know that some administrative office at Stuy still has a copy of that cartoon with "Stuyvesant" written in above the "School for the Gifted" (just like St. Ann's).

At any rate, Jen, shall we throw down? Battle of the NY Private School Alumni Bloggers? Let's do it. Middle of the Brooklyn Bridge at noon tomorrow: I'll bring my St. Ann's posse, and you bring your Stuy kids. Then we'll see who's "gifted" and who's "psychotic!"

Plus, the article is wildly inaccurate; Stanley never hit on me.

UPDATE: Jen writes in to let us know that she isn't, in fact, a Stuy grad, just hangs with them. It's okay, Jen, I'm here for you — it's not too late to get in with the right crowd. Regarding the smackdown, Jen fronts: "If it were a shopping match, I'd totally serve you." Bring it, Chung!

no tri-state rumbles comments: "Jen Chung is strictly NJ public school material, kid. Don't sweat the Turnpike stuff."

Jen comments: "I'm fond of the Parkway, myself."

Blotty comments: "Stuyvesant is a private school?"

JVG comments: "This post is rife with misinformation."

May 03, 2004

Choose my own adventure | 12:00 AM

So many exciting events available for my attendance this evening! What shall I do? What shall I DO?

The NYC Bloggers Event at the Apple Store from 6-8pm?
Will it be the Denton v. Calacanis smackdown, as promised, or will the two be yawnfully pleasant to each other? Honestly, I couldn't care less. But both Steele and Dobkin have requested that I attent, for the sole purpose of asking inane questions. A free pass to heckle by the organizer? Hard to turn down, if not for...

A Gift for Stanley at 7pm?
My Alma High is holding a bash to honor the outgoing Headmaster, with performances by musicians and artists from the senior class! High school compatriot Crary encouraged me to attend the event when I ran into him and (other high school compatriot) Cardegna in the BBG. The opportunities for heckling may be somewhat reduced, but the chances of bizarre interactions with fellow alums will increase a hundredfold!

Both events will likely be followed by the imbibement of alcohol in a group setting. In the absence of a clear winner, I look to you, my loyal readers, for assistance. What shall I do, loyal readers? What SHALL I do?

aeu comments: "well? what did you do?"

JVG comments: "Nothing."

Lock comments: "Sad."

JVG comments: "It was what I was told to do."

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Fine Burlesque Entertainments
Nasty Canasta
Official Burlesque Artist of, cheese queen of Coney Island
Jonny Porkpie
Nasty puppeteer and Burlesque Mayor of New York City.


Tales from the Established Norm
The post-college episodes of the strip from college.
One strip. One thousand endings.

Fred, The Obnoxious Goldfish
An angry slice of piscine fury from the mind of Jay Veegee
One-shot from the files.
Faust: a Primer
Created for the program of Man of Infinite Desire

Produces Interesting Theater. Such as...
Tiny Ninja Theater
No Small Parts. Only Small Actors.
Hudson Valley Playreading Series
"Buddy" Cianci: The Musical
Rhode Island's most popular politician, six times elected, twice convicted

Book of Ages
"Exploring life's landmark ages in hilariously obsessive detail."
buy 30 | buy 40
buy Japanese 40
German 40 (unavailable)

Minor & Incomplete

The ANTAGONISTIC magazine.
Survivor Deadpool
Deadpool Dead.
A great idea!
Unpalatable Ball
Featuring the Discontented Elf.

I Know Them All
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