"Goin' out tonight?" the teller grins at me as she counts out the sixty dollars in singles I am getting to make change at the door for Cold War Burlesque, "Have fun."

SATURDAY
The night for COLD WAR BURLESQUE, which is already receiving attention from several prominent media outlets. We have it on good authority that Nasty Canasta, the official Burlesque artist of jvg.com AND your hostess for the evening, will be doing not-one-but-two brand new numbers, composed especially for the show.

COLD WAR BURLESQUE
Saturday, July 30
Show starts at 9pm, doors open at 8pm
@ Siberia
356 West 40th at 9th Ave (Red Light over Black Door)
$8, no drink minimum

--------

FRIDAY
And, for those of you needing entertainment this very night, the newest version of MAN OF INFINITE DESIRE opens at The Hell Festival. Last time, NYTheater.com said "Complex as a puzzle yet also as simply delightful as a magician pulling a coin from your ear, Man of Infinite Desire calls to you like a ringmaster to watch your own preconceptions of life, death, hell and desire appear on the high wire. Answer the call." They're sending another reviewer this time — only time will tell what this one says.

MAN OF INFINITE DESIRE
as part of THE HELL FESTIVAL
Friday, July 30 @ 7pm, Thusday, August 5 @ 7pm, Monday, August 9 @ 8:30pm, Saturday, August 14 @ 3pm, Thursday, August 19 @ 7pm
at The Brick: 575 Metropolitan Ave, Williamsburgh, Brooklyn
G to Metropolitan Ave or L to Lorimer
$10

The lewdness continues with this week's exciting episode: Andrew Snail: Hot Under the Collar

Research for Cold War Burlesque led to MPEGs of this well-known gem from 1951. How far we've come. How very, very far.

• Bert the Duck & Cover Turtle (1951)
• Herman the FEMA spokescrab (2003) and the FEMA for Kids Rap!

Nothing says "we're gearing up for the upcoming 100th episode of JVG: the comic strip" like taking a few days off! The strip will return on Monday Tuesday Wednesday with Episode 99, and after that... the debut of everyone who has complained about not being put in the strip!

In the meantime, a quick look at the evolution of my nose over the course of the past 98 episodes, from episodes 4, 14, 46, 72, and 95, respectively.

It's rare that a blog comes out of the gate with insight, intelligence, verve, and... dare I say it? Downright brilliance. I can think of one such example in recent history, but it has been a dog's age since I been so impressed by a blog as I am by "Cewebrity."

At least, the one post I read.

With the coming of the third full week in July comes a brand new site feature; Observations Made by Commercials Are Often Innaccurate. The feature will focus not on the grandiose claims of the taglines (i.e. "Since the dawn of time, mankind has always known: it's just not a mix without the Chex"), but rather on the more subtle statements — often casually thrown in at the beginning of an ad — which one is expected to accept without question. (And without which the internal logic of the commercial — if such a phrase can be said without snickering — will collapse.)

This week's entry was, if I remember correctly, in support of a fast food franchise:

"Nearly every week you hear about a new salad."

This week's exciting episode: Andrew Snail Goes Both Ways

Finally, a reason to go to Restaurant Row: Blossom Dearie in Danny's Skylight Room. Tonight's show reminded me (among other things) of why it's so easy to love Cole Porter. If you haven't heard Blossom's version of "Give Him the Ooh-La-La" recently, then your music collection is sadly lacking; if you haven't heard a song called "Bruce," then you're just like me, earlier in the evening. I've since rectified my mistake.

This week's exciting episode: Andrew Snail Comes Out!

I'm starting to feel like I should have turned down this design job. In fact, I should probably turn down all design jobs offered to me in a dark alley by a trenchcoated man who looks suspiciously like Dick Cheny in a false moustache.

But the money was so good...

Addendum (Sunday, July 11 @ 1:35pm): 1 day later, Yahoo News picks up the story.

Discount airline Song should perhaps look into hiring local talent to produce their site-specific advertising; this tagline, splayed across 50 feet of Houston Street, was clearly the handiwork an out-of-towner who delved no further into the research library than a 1991 Zagat.

"UPPER EAST SIDE STYLE AT LOWER EAST SIDE PRICES!"

Given Mr. Veegee's tenuous grasp on the concept of "Monday," jvg.com has decided to offer to our readers a new service; we shall post to the blog each time a new Andrew Snail strip is published below.

This week's exciting episode: Andrew Snail: Being and Nothingness

As the brand new "Summer Fun!" bar on the right-hand side of your screen indicates, I shall once again be incessantly hawking theatrical projects in the coming summer months. Some of said projects are as follows:

The newly-revamped for 2004 MAN of INFINITE DESIRE at the Brick's Hell Festival. Yes, once again my hot and talented wife will perform her mind-blowing one-woman version of Faust. If you saw the 2002 production in NYC (scroll down for review), this version is quite different. If you saw the Summer 2003 production at the Woodstock Fringe, this version is not as different as it is different from the 2002 production, but still quite different. Those of you who saw the Fall 2003 production are imagining things. (Also appearing at that festival is Cagey Productions' Blue Puppies in Hell.)

Pinchbottom, the brand spanking new Burlesque division of 4Panel Productions has put together its first show, and it's a hum-doozy. When it was determined that it would take place the legendary Siberia, what else could Pinchbottom do but COLD WAR BURLESQUE? From Yalta to the Bay of Pigs to Sputnik to Star Wars to the fall of the USSR, is there any better inspiration for beautiful women to remove their clothing?

So far, the lineup includes the sultry Vegas-style shimmyings of Veronika Sweet, the red hot red hotness of Scooter Pie and Dottie Lux of the Red Hots and, of course, the nasty-style nastiness of jvg.com's official Burlesque artist, Nasty Canasta.

So check out of your bomb shelter and into Cold War Burlesque; we guarantee that this will be the hottest Cold War you've ever seen! (Other possible taglines include: "Of all the burlesque you've ever seen, this is the Glasnost!")