Join Jonny Porkpie as he celebrates his crushing victory over the Bloomberg/Ferrer cabal in the 2005 NYC Mayoral election, outlines his plans for the future of the city, and auditions potential mayoral interns.
WARNING: As with all political rallies, this event may involve nudity.

Pundits include:
Dottie Lux
Veronika Sweet
Nasty Canasta
Clea Cutthroat
El Teresa
Roc Roc It
and the voters of New York City

Sunday, November 6th @ 10pm
Rififi, 332 East 11th Street

Yes, the Book of Ages team is just as excited as excited can be about our publication in Japan. The manuscript, which I received today via U.S. Mail, seems to remain true to the spirit of the original, although a cursory examination reveals some significant differences, as outlined in the handy chart, below.

An internal memo sent to Wal-Mart's board of directors proposes numerous ways to hold down spending on health care and other benefits while seeking to minimize damage to the retailer's reputation. Among the recommendations are hiring more part-time workers and discouraging unhealthy people from working at Wal-Mart... The memo noted that Wal-Mart workers "are getting sicker than the national population, particularly in obesity-related diseases," including diabetes and coronary artery disease. —NYTimes

Health care for Wal-Mart employees: now, it's your responsibility! Put on a happy face!

"If there is going to be an indictment that says something happened, that it is an indictment on a crime and not some perjury technicality where they couldn't indict on the crime and so they go to something just to show that their two years of investigation was not a waste of time and taxpayer dollars."

— Republican Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison, in reference to the 1998 impeachment of William Jefferson Clinton 2003 Bush White House Leak [NYTimes]

The brand-spanking new "National Clandestine Service" or "NCS" will be run by a man known only as "Jose".

In this wacky fictional universe, "John Negroponte" and "Porter Goss" are the names of the National Intelligence Director and Head of the CIA, respectively. Oh, why can't those darn TV writers create convincing nomenclature?

In what is sure to become an international incident, Andrew Snail (who, after appearing in this comic strip, was rumored to be a frontrunner to step into the tuxedo of superspy James Bond in the upcoming Sony pictures release Casino Royale) has failed to land the coveted role. Instead, British actor Daniel Craig will be issued the 007 number.

Spokespeople for the mollusk report that Mr. Snail appears disappointed by the news. Casino Royale, directed by Martin Campbell, with Judi Dench returning as M and John Cleese as Q, is slated for release in 2006.

4,000 year old noodles unearthed in China. According to the BBC, "The discovery goes a long way to settling the old argument over who first created the string-like food." I say: the debate rages on!

Hey, friendly smokers! You're killing yourself!
• "Smoking just one to four cigarettes a day almost triples a person's risk of dying of heart disease, according to Norwegian researchers." -BBC News

...in droves!
• "A billion people will die from tobacco-related diseases such as cancer this century unless more are encouraged to quit, a UK expert warns." -Ibid

You're killing your friends!
• "Nonsmokers exposed to secondhand smoke absorb nicotine and other compounds just as smokers do. The greater the exposure to secondhand smoke, the greater the level of these harmful compounds in your body." -The American Cancer Society

You're killing your pets!
• "Second-Hand Smoke Puts Pets In Peril; Passive Smoking Boosts Cancer Risk For Cats" -Ibid

But hey, you've got rights! Just like I have the right to stab you in the eye! What's that? I don't have the right to stab you in the eye? Well, that's very strange...

(Smokers rights group NYCClash makes the brilliant political statement — on their $30 mugs — "Better free than smoke free... What's next? Coffee?" Yes, NYCClash, coffee. Because secondhand coffee kills 40,000 people a year. And for those who might say the American Cancer Society is biased: Isn't a bias against cancer one we can all get behind?)