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February 13, 2006

Garfield: Now with the Funny | 04:57 PM

LS forwards a lesson in cartooning: make Garfield funny by eliminating all his thoughts.

Unfortunately, for JVG: The Comic Strip, this method doesn't help at all. JCN's randomizer, however, remains fairly amusing.

More EliminaGarfield

December 28, 2005

Where's My Stuff: Epilogue | 11:50 AM

Apparently, some customers are getting so frustrated with Amazon, they have lost the ability to distinguish between that company's website and; "Longnails61" writes:

From: "Long n/a"
Date: Wed, 28 Dec 2005 09:38:19 -0700
Subject: HELP

I am missing 3 orders:

The First One is: East of Eden
The Second item is: Last Day of Pompell
The Last one I am missing is : Elephant Walk

These were ordered months ago and I really would appreciate, it is you would send these orders as soon as again I THESE WERE PLACED MONTHS AGO.

I would appreciate that you send these items NOW.

I have looked so forward to these orders and cannot wait to get them. Amazon used to be good about getting ordered out promptly NOW you are NOT good at all about any of the orders but with my orders you no longer care. The items I order are very important to me. I am debating on wither on getting any more orders from Amazon with Azamon.


Salt Lake City, UT
8 4 1 1 9

For the record: I am, in fact, neither the Amazon nor the Azamon customer service department. Any rumors to the contrary are vicious, vicious lies. I am simply the composer of a heartwarming holiday poem which makes mention of said company. Also, my religious beliefs prevent me from doing anything "a pomplely". However, another correspondent may be able to help. Smelly Big Head writes:

Clement Moore couldn't have done better.
Oh and the same thing happened to me with a baby shower present.

p.s. amazon's secret "customer service" number:
US Customer Service Phone toll-free in the US and Canada: (800) 201-7575
Customer Service Address

Be sure to keep us informed about your progress, LongNails61, because nothing is more interesting than updates about a missing package from

August 15, 2005

Incredibles String Cheese: Do Not Buy | 03:00 PM

From the inbox: "Another reason to sulk. I worshipped the Incredibles, so I bought Incredibles string cheese (which incidently is the worst string cheese ever, don't get it) and they give you stupid info about the characters. About most of them it says basically nothing, but it notes Elastigirl is 5' 8" and weighs 125 pounds. What!? First of all, it doesn't give bodily stats on anyone else, second, excuse me? With that booty? She weighs about what I weigh and is 4 inches taller? Give me a break!!!!!!!!! Apparently she's modeled on Jessica Alba?"

She is, after all, elastic. Perhaps she's, uh, stretching the statistics a bit...

July 12, 2005

Introspection, spam-style | 11:55 PM

A spam from ',' attempting to sell me "Iogo" design services, offers this helpful observation:

"Contemporary rhythm of life is too dynamic."

A Google search for "dynamic rhythm" expands the thought: Our first result, here, yeilds the following article: The Solar System Interplanetary Electromagnetic Field Matrix and the Biological Clock.

The objective of this article is to lay the foundation for the concept that the Biological Clock mechanism is in fact not an internal one but a follower of the dynamic & rhythmic fluctuations in the Solar System Interplanetary Electromagnetic Field Matrix (SSIEFM) and the rhythmically pulsating Geomagnetic Field of the Earth (GMF). The Pineal-Hypothalamic-Pituitary Axis (PHPA) is the clock coordinator for the organism as a whole. The intracellular regulator of DNA transcription is currently being worked out as the clock coordinator of cellular metabolism."
Pseudo-science: yum-licious good.

(For those checking in: 5 pages left before bedtime. Well: first cherry soda, then bedtime.)

February 02, 2005

LeafHocker | 05:13 PM

One unbiased emailer calls LifeHacker "for real, an incredibly useful blog." Not QUITE as much OSX as I'd like, but then, I'm a picky bastard.

The Broadband Optimizer looks keen, especially to a guy who spent some of his day setting up a new wireless DSL modem/router. Now I just need that 17 incher.

June 01, 2004

Atlantic Yards: The Glossy Trifold | 06:13 PM

atlanticyards.jpgAtlantic Yards, the new "basketball arena/half-empty office towers/slum" slated to replace 23% of Brooklyn, should be vociferously objected to, if only in response to the exorbitant amount of money they just spent to send out — seemingly to every resident of the borough — a full-color glossy trifold, complete with pre-millennium-era Microsoft Office-inspired logo and multi-racial stock photos. The flier appears to be an attempt to bribe people to support the impending disaster area proposed development by promising a "Br-basketball-basketball-klyn Nets" souvenir. I'm holding out for the million dollars, myself.

The opposition, on the other hand, has not the funds to send out their own glossy trifold, nor even frame a coherent mission statement in the online petition. Who will win this battle of affluent real estate developer versus impecunious longtime residents? Only time will tell.

• Standing Up Against Ratner's Brooklyn Real Estate Deal [Fair Development Brooklyn] & FAQ
"Ratner will take back an anticipated tax revenue of $28 million annually to pay off the debt associated with the up-front building costs he incurs... In other words, Ratner and his team ultimately get a lot of it for free. In case the venture fails, we'll bail them out. "
• Bring Basketball to Brooklyn!
"The fast paced, 'in your face' action of today’s NBA was born right here on the asphalt of Brooklyn’s playgrounds and now we can bring it back to the hard wood of a beautiful new arena located in downtown Brooklyn."
• Basketball Fans Against Ratner
• Nets of Plenty [NY Press]
• Casting a critical eye on the roughly $2 billion a year in public subsidies that go toward building new pro sports facilities. [Field of Schemes]

aeu comments: "Nothing offends JVG more than a bad logo."

April 01, 2004

Birthday Greetings | 12:58 PM

As with any person of notoriety, my birthday was marked by the creation of several works of Art, many of which were conveyed to me via email. These celebratory creations include:

• A poem by a famous playwright, currently residing in England
• Blog entries in two different venues by noted blog-entry-maker L. Steele.
• A video by a well-regarded TV writer of her sister dancing to Missy Eliot.
• A song by the composer of Buddy Cianci: The Musical.
• and this message from a friend employed by corporate America:


Is it true? Has the big three-0 hit? Congrats, dude. Welcome to (nominal) adulthood. Party on!

[Name Withheld]

The information in this Internet email is confidential and may be legally privileged. It is intended solely for the addressee. Access to this email by anyone else is unauthorized.

The Confidentiality Notice to really brings a tear to the eye, don't it?

December 17, 2003

Email Update | 03:47 PM

To anyone who has emailed me through the website in the past few months, please don't think I did not respond just because I'm famous and you're not. In fact, I just discovered that I had not set up the forwarder for the web address, and so only received your emails today.

To which I will not be responding, because I'm famous and you're not.

October 24, 2003

It's that personal touch that counts | 12:07 PM

From: E-response
Date: Fri, 24 Oct 2003 06:15:08 -0400 (EDT)

Thank you for your email. I appreciate you taking the time to contact me regarding such an important issue.

I assure you I will give the issue my full consideration. It is important to hear the concerns of my constituents from the 11th Congressional District.

Again, thank you for taking time to express your views. Please continue to contact my office in the future regarding any issue.

August 05, 2003

Leech Research Blog | 11:21 AM

An old college friend writes, positing that her own personal blog might not be as engaging as some, due to her current position in the Leech Research field. If the sample entry she sent is any indication, I think she's very, very wrong.

The leech neurons today are indescribably exciting! Look at those motherf*cking spikes! It reminds me of the time I poked an aplysia buccal ganglion neuron, only to find the tonically spiking L7 was actually a burster! Can you believe it? Bursting! That's a story for the grandkids.

July 03, 2003

Friendster Meme Percolates | 01:19 AM

Danah, a PhD student at Berkley, is researching Friendster. You can tell she's a PhD student when she notes "I've really enjoyed watching the Friendster meme percolate," because who else would have the unmitigated gall to suggest that a meme can percolate, rather than simply brew?

She has a list of questions on her Friendster research page, that — even if you don't feel like sharing with her — may be worth considering for your own sake.

Full disclosure: Danah is a mere one Friendster step away from me, in three different directions. She also has a blog on which she discourses frequently about vaginae.

June 14, 2003

"Beauty" | 05:02 PM

JLY writes:

"I'm not jumping off a bridge after all -- this reminded me that life is worth living:

June 04, 2003

Friendster Power Games | 03:25 PM

Friendster, in their "weekly email," posits the following query:

Silly Friendster. Perhaps you should have read my profile before bothering me with such foolish inquiries.

Speaking of Friendster, after a couple of weeks of playing around with the service, I've discovered what it's best for: toying with the delicate psyches of your friends and acquaintances. Ah, the bitter joy. Ah, the delicious power.

Top Friendster Power Games:

The Pre-Rejection
You just signed up for Friendster, and you notice that I've been using it for a month, and didn't invite you. Perhaps we're just not as close as you thought we were.

The Delayed Approval
You can see by my profile that I was active yesterday. You sent me a "new friend request" three days ago. I haven't approved it. Maybe it's because I'm waiting to see if anyone worthwhile signs up to be your friend before I commit to having you on my friends list.

The Unreciprocated Testimonial
You wrote me a very nice testimonial three weeks ago, yet your page still displays the pathetic notice: "No testimonials yet. You can add the first!" Gosh, it looks like you're more interested in me than I am in you, doesn't it?

The Mexican Standoff
You're one of John Smith's friends. I'm one of John Smith's friends. We know each other, we can clearly see each other in the "John Smith's Friends" page, and yet neither of us has attempted to add the other as a friend. It's a battle for status, and the first person to send the new friend request will forever be the loser.

May 20, 2003

Hotspots | 09:34 AM

Responding to rumor control, Wiley's Dawg submits this report on current gay hotspots.

"silly boy, the backroom at urge closed ages ago... hotspots tend to be different each night of the week. last night, for example, i went to 'park' which is the hottest gay bar for a sunday. the slide is the newest. the cock is the sleaziest. b-bar on tuesdays (beige) is still pretty trendy for the upscale fashion-loving people-spotting gays.

wow. i need to stop going out so much."

UPDATE: Aaron writes "Wiley's Dawg knows nothing! Therapy in Hell's Kitchen is *the* It-spot for trendy, good-looking gay boys, although it just opened, so he probably hasn't heard of it."

"from a friend about therapy...

'Then they started 'Queer Factor' with Danny Pantaro...and I couldn't take I left...didn't even get a drink so I don't even know if it's expensive or not...'

hmmm. Danny Pantaro. doesn't sound trendy or cool to me..."

May 13, 2003

Expenses You Cannot Deduct | 11:22 PM

Apropos "Buddy", Wiley's Dawg sends in this scan from his tax instruction book:

April 15, 2003

JVG Inbox | 11:32 AM

One reader takes issue with perceived "New Jersey Bashing" in this space:

You must desist immediately from the constant negative references to New Jersey. It does not have incredibly irritating traffic, there is no garbage in my street, and drunk monkeys would have done a much better job on the breath robbing, spirit sapping, brain-burning abomination that is New York City.

Your mayor, in the name of god, is Bloomberg. What more can be said? How can you speak negatively about anywhere else? YOUR MAYOR IS BLOOMBERG!!!!!!! YOUR PRESIDENT IS BUSH!!!!!!!!! NOWHERE IS SAFE!!!!!!!!!! We should all move to Nova Scotia.

A fair point. Sadly, this reader's over-generous use of exclamation points renders his opinion invalid. Better luck next time!

February 03, 2003

JVG Outbox | 05:03 PM

Be warned: I seem to be using the word "folks" far too much in today's outgoing email.

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Fine Burlesque Entertainments
Nasty Canasta
Official Burlesque Artist of, cheese queen of Coney Island
Jonny Porkpie
Nasty puppeteer and Burlesque Mayor of New York City.


Tales from the Established Norm
The post-college episodes of the strip from college.
One strip. One thousand endings.

Fred, The Obnoxious Goldfish
An angry slice of piscine fury from the mind of Jay Veegee
One-shot from the files.
Faust: a Primer
Created for the program of Man of Infinite Desire

Produces Interesting Theater. Such as...
Tiny Ninja Theater
No Small Parts. Only Small Actors.
Hudson Valley Playreading Series
"Buddy" Cianci: The Musical
Rhode Island's most popular politician, six times elected, twice convicted

Book of Ages
"Exploring life's landmark ages in hilariously obsessive detail."
buy 30 | buy 40
buy Japanese 40
German 40 (unavailable)

Minor & Incomplete

The ANTAGONISTIC magazine.
Survivor Deadpool
Deadpool Dead.
A great idea!
Unpalatable Ball
Featuring the Discontented Elf.

I Know Them All
Two Snail or Not Two Snail?
by Jay Veegee


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