THE WEBLOG ARCHIVE: Now That I'm Famous
July 10, 2005
You Call This Art? | 03:13 PM
It is confirmed: my first gallery showing since 1996.
The exhibition, entitled "You Call This Art?": The Cartoons of Jonathan Van Gieson, will grace the walls (and eventually, in all likelihood, the floor) of The Gallery at Woodstock Fringe from August 12 through September 4, 2005.
Works featured will include pertinent episodes of various comic strips, some examples from the files, never-before-seen works, and even (stifle your gasps of disbelief, if you would be so kind) some entirely new works.
In celebration thereof, Andrew Snail returns today.
Can the MOMA be far behind? One can only hope.
April 22, 2005
JVG: Re-examining of the icon | 03:02 PM
"Wither JVG?" The question echoes in the halls of power, the corridors of justice, the bathrooms of dive bars. Whither JVG, indeed. The formerly proficient and prolific blogger and arbiter of all that is fame has slipped from the annals of the blog world, his infrequent posts to his own web presence not even supplanted by an inane real estate blog or a cushy job at a blog-related media enterprise concern. His autobiographical comic strip, previously a reliable source of daily JVG news in line and capital letters, sits fallow atop the page, and even Andrew Snail, a strip that requires only the briefest of photoshop alteration to be made ready for publication, moves on more slowly than the title character himself.
So, whither? Drawn into the arms of lady stage, he hawks his more frequent appearance on the boards; self-aggrandizement hithertofore unseen, even on this site. But this is not the first of these forays, previous jaunts have returned Mr. Van Gieson to blogging, and thereby to fame, relatively unscathed.
Semi-retirement? It has been said. Can one, in fact, semi-retire at the tender age of 31? Yes, one can. But should one? These questions, hanging as they are on the coattails of hypotheticality, mean little. Van Gieson blames for his lack of production various objects; his scanner, his plans, his "other commitments," but does not the problem lie within?
The answer is no.
Fame is fleeting, a blog about one's own fame doubly so. But, more importantly, in the immortal words of Kenny Rogers, "You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em." Or, if you prefer Sondheim, "Here's to the ladies who lunch... everybody dies." Did U2 say it best when they opined "You've got to get yourself together, you've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it"? Perhaps. Or perhaps the most appropriate insight comes from They Might Be Giants: "Where your eyes don't go a gruesome scarecrow waves his broomstick arms and does a parody of each unconscious thing you do."
But these are all excuses; empty syllables, lacking sound, full of fury, signifying nothing. A tale told.
The truth is more complicated; understandable only to Hawking-level physicists. JVG has reached an apex of fame too great for ordinary eyes. An elemental fame; a fame of vibrating strings; a microcosmic, macrocosmic fame, both infinitely larger than fame and infinitely smaller. A fame that needs no writing about, or perhaps a fame which is writ too large for casual readers to see.
Gentle friends, the blame lies with you. The blog continues apace; the strip as well. Both appear between the lines (or the panels) of that which does not seem to change. To the wider vision, the change is all around; fame becomes itself, overrides itself, rebuts itself; the emperor wears a suit of his own fame, no other clothing is required.
There are more things, Horatio. And Macduff, read on. Damned be him who first cries "Hold, enough."
xina comments: "Congratuations. You've actually become a black hole."
wvg comments: "One hardly knows how to respond to this. B-words come to mind. Not the worst of which is blather. Where the hell is Andrew Snail ?"
"dude" perkins comments: "say whuh?"
neilfred comments: "At this point I don't even care about the blog or the big-nose comic strip. I just want a goddamn Andrew Snail t-shirt. Is that so much to ask of Mr. Veegee? Is it??"
Izzy comments: "Okay, I'm fairly new to this 'blogging' thing. Um, when did you become famous, and why aren't you helping any of us?! Son of a bitch, man. You should really get your act together cuz we all need a leg up, here. Selfish, selfish, ruminating, selfish ruminator. Honestly. Tip: Make a list with little boxes next to them and check things off once you get them done. Then maybe Andrew Snail can come out and play again and the PEOPLE will be happy."
October 06, 2004
Again I am Gawked | 11:09 PM
After months of being "too mainstream" for the gossip blog, I make it back onto Gawker this week.
July 21, 2004
Ce-web-rity. | 10:38 PM
It's rare that a blog comes out of the gate with insight, intelligence, verve, and... dare I say it? Downright brilliance. I can think of one such example in recent history, but it has been a dog's age since I been so impressed by a blog as I am by "Cewebrity."
At least, the one post I read.
Lock comments: "I'm with you. Though I would think a little more coverage of me might have been in order. "
ben comments: "I'd love to do a full interview or expose or fucking picture diary with either/both of you. Coverage is a hard thing to come by when you're just bored and don't really have anything to go on but a funny blog entry on some dude's site. let me know, you both know how to find me. "
April 23, 2004
David Beckham, I feel your pain | 11:25 PM
God, how many times have adult TV channels paid my ex-girlfriends $442,000 to recreate with a lookalike a night of sex they allegedly had with me?
neilfred comments: "Ooh, hey, do I still count as your lookalike? Let's see, who are your ex-girlfriends? Hm..."
April 11, 2004
Tiny Kinja Theater | 01:35 PM
Well, if you ask me, "Kinja" may well be the next "IRC chat!" I am now able to track with near-pinpoint accuracy updates to all of the most important sites on the web!
My digest demonstrates, surely, the epitome of what Kinja was designed for. It is, without a doubt, the high water mark of Kinja digests, and will likely remain so for years to come. Sadly, this may quickly put Kinja out of business, as it is doubtful that anyone but a few sad mistanthropes and loonies will want to waste valuable time creating their own digest when mine is available for the public use. (I offer this boon without charge, out of the goodness of my heart.)
March 31, 2004
With 30 Comes Vague Change | 12:00 AM
Observant viewers may have noticed some minor cosmetic changes to jvg.com, enacted in celebration of my 30th Birthday. [Insert obligatory Book of Ages plug here.]
This entrancing new look is accompanied by equally entrancing minor content changes, including the re-introduction of a brand-new old comic strip returning to print on the web for the first time again! So strap on your hip waders and enjoy.
ITEMIZED: NEW! IMPROVED! JVG! DOT! COM! FEATURES!
"NOW THAT I'M FAMOUS" Weblog slightly improved!
THE ADVENTURES OF ANDREW SNAIL slides in!
Some have claimed that The Adventures of Andrew Snail is a litmus test for intelligence. Others have claimed it's a flagrant abuse of copier privileges. By law, you have the right to form your own opinion on the issue.
neilfred comments: "Hooray, the return of the Snail! So when will the long-awaited Andrew Snail t-shirts be available?"
December 16, 2003
Connect the Dots: CONSPIRACY! | 12:14 PM
What dire motive induced George W. Bush to schedule a press confrence yesterday, deliberately bumping two happless Book of Ages authors from their scheduled CNNfn appearance?
Perhaps this image has something to do with it...
...more intrigue to come...
December 14, 2003
Which celebs have been nude with JVG | 01:57 PM
Browsing my referrer logs, I discovered shatteredreality.net, which seems to be a search engine of some sort.
If the results of a search for "JVG" are any indication, that sort is: the best damn search engine on the internet. Who else can track down links to my nude dalliances with celebrities AND offer me at the absolute lowest prices? No one, that's who.
Indexed listings for JVG
(While we're on the subject of nudity, be sure to tune in next week for links to video of my hot, talented, and now naked wife.)
December 03, 2003
A Year of Living Famously | 05:20 PM
Today marks a banner day in the history of the internet: the first anniversary of the launching of this eponymous web presence.
Yes, friends, I now celebrate one year of being famous. And as it will the yoke of celebrity has taught some brutal lessons. I can no longer see the world through those wide-eyed rose-colored glasses of innocence. I now know both the joy and the pain of fame, from the bitter rivalries with Tina Brown to the the harsh criticism of that most respected of all theatrical reviewers, The Wall Street Journal. I now know the sting of the gossipists, the bitter resentment of the unfamed, the chilling fear of being stalked. I know, to put it bluntly, some stuff.
For all that, I would not go back. Nay, I could not go back. Nor would I, if I could. Which I can't. But what I can do is share the wisdom I have gathered during the past twelve months, casting it out to the internet like pearls before and after swine. It is my sincerest hope that the young will read these meditations and take them to heart and, hopefully, learn a little something in the process. For that, my friends and concubines, that is what makes it all worthwhile. That, and the constant ego-stroking. God, I love the ego-stroking.
Lessons Learned in a Year of Fame:
November 17, 2003
Notes to Myself: Quali7y | 01:29 PM
Found: the following note to myself. If anyone has any insight into what it means, please let me know.
The date is easy to decipher, despite the lack of accompaning text: it's the next TheaterSounds reading. But the other note?
Even assuming that I meant to write not "Quali7y: how muck 11 4ke 17," but rather "Quality: How Much I Like It," what the hell am I talking about? Am I reminding myself that I want to write a treatsie on my appreciation of things well made? Seems unlikely. Am I commiting to paper the assertion that the degree of excellence inherient in any given object is directly related to whether or not it is pleasing to me? Perhaps. Or do I mean to rate something on two different scales, empirical quality vs. my own personal feelings about it?
As I seem to have just lost the piece of paper in the crack between my desk and bookcase, it probably doesn't matter.
November 13, 2003
Celebrity Justice | 04:50 AM
How I missed Celebrity Justice before now is beyond me. It is, without a doubt, the best news show currently on the air at 4am.
In a matter of minutes, I learned more than I could ever want to know about things I didn't even know I cared about until Liz and Choire started blogging incessantly about them, such as:
The best feature of all: Email a story idea. Naturally, I wrote in to suggest that the world is waiting for an update on the last legal action in which I was involved: the two-and-a-half year-old CBS v. Deadpool case. So far, no response has been forthcoming.
October 08, 2003
I'm thinking of running for office | 01:32 PM
So in the next few years, I plan to grab as much ass as I possibly can. Ladies, line 'em up.
Later, I'll apologize. Vote JVG!
September 24, 2003
Rumor Control | 04:46 PM
With all the to-do about Spiers leaving Gawker, many pundits are no doubt wondering why publisher Nick Denton didn't tap yours truly to take over the snarky weblog instead of the dramatically less famous and perpetually intoxicated* Choire. *unverified.
All the "explanations" that have thus far been advanced are, of course, pure crap. I repeat them below for the sole purpose of rebutting them.
Denton was uncomfortable with the required name change for the site.
Denton was concerned that, with me at the helm, Gawker would be even more JVG-centric than it already is.
Choire wears underpants on his head.
I am bitter at Denton because his snarky blog, Gawker, has been more successful than my snarky blog, Antagozine.
The New York Supreme Court has ruled that I am required to stay at least 500 yards away from Gawker at all times.
August 25, 2003
The Morning After | 11:47 AM
I awake to find the sun streaming across my bedroom, and my fame shining off me like a brilliant orange pie.
As you might imagine, the constant media attention of the past few weeks has been though not unexpected exhausting. "Exhausting," you scoff, letting your eyes roll back slightly, "you loved every minute of it." I shake my head, magnanimous in my greater knowledge, lay my hand gently on yours, look deeply, earnestly into your eyes, and smile winningly. "Until you've been where I have," I whisper, "you can never know my pain."
What's worse, I have had to turn my attention to the minutia of putting on a production, rather than devoting my full energies to the more important task of being famous. It's not quite over yet in a few more days, a revised Man of Infinite Desire performs at the Woodstock Fringe but when it is, I regret to inform my fans that I will be allowing myself to fall out of the limelight for a while.
Will I seclude myself in my Hollywood Manse, guard dogs at the ready outside, as some do when they wish to become a Celebrity Recluse? I will not. I will take this time to move freely amongst you, the ordinary unfamous masses, pretending that I am one of your own. By giving myself a moment to reflect on what it is like to be one of the little people, I hope to gain a greater understanding of my own fame.
I will, of course, blog the entire experience for posterity.
August 10, 2003
Now that I'm Grandma | 11:06 AM
Grandma comments on the most recent Times article.
"Well, now I'm the famous grandmother of the famous grandson."
August 06, 2003
The time has come | 12:08 PM
Since posting has been slow this week, I'm opening up the comments on this entry to allow the general public a chance to talk about how famous I am.
JVG comments: "Gosh, I'm famous!"
Anne comments: "JVG's gonna live forever JVG's gonna learn how to fly (High!) JVG's gonna make it to heaven People will see JVG and cry. Remember!"
August 05, 2003
I guess it was inevitable | 11:51 AM
Though I'm surprised that Rush & Malloy decided to highlight my prison fun, and not my numerous, torrid affairs with supermodels. Strange.
June 25, 2003
Closing Thought | 06:26 PM
The day of linkage, like the pale light of the sun bouncing off the lawn chair of existence and dropping slowly and with the soft splash of regret into the rancid swimming pool of my next door neighbor's back yard, has come to an end.
To those of you to whom I linked, there is no need to thank me. In a way, I envy you. Never again will I know the simple joy of being given, if only briefly, the thrilling gift of a celebrity's attention.
Yes, I miss that simple joy, and all the simple joys of being one of the little people, like you. But I have chosen my path, and even though a tear glistens, on occasion, in the corner of my eye I will never look back. I will never look back.
Item of Interest #6 | 05:09 PM
I make a cameo, alongside Harry Connick Jr., in "Philllipe and Jorge's Cool Cool World", which (if I remember correctly) was for a newspaper column a fairly tasty sandwich.
Item of Interest #5 | 04:37 PM
For some reason, editrix Elizabeth Spiers neglected to include me in the Gawker six month roundup. I can only assume that this is because she was drunk off her blogging ass when writing the post. Although I don't have exact numbers, at rough estimate my coverage on Gawker falls somewhere between that of Trucker Hats and Jayson Blair.
Item of Interest #4 | 04:00 PM
Item of Interest #3 | 03:31 PM
One fan is up at arms about The Times' failure to quote me in their last article on blogging.
Item of Interest #2 | 03:04 PM
One of the sad truths about fame is that when you give of yourself by graciously deigning to make an appearance, it is inevitable that some overzealous fan will snap a picture of you and sell it to the press. In this shot, I am being accosted by a strange woman who claimed to write for a website called "Gothamist," which, according to the OED, isn't even a word.
Items of Interest | 02:51 PM
Every so often, bitter readers submit complaints about the low level of linkage on jvg.com. In an attempt to rectify that oversight, today's posts will link to blogs I've encountered with items of interest.
May 21, 2003
Reader Feedback | 10:36 AM
Schroeder notes, over on his blog:
...the bloggers mentioned in [the Times article] (Jonathan Van Gieson, Lockhart Steele) are definitely obnoxious, pretentious, and, worst of all, boring. Van Gieson, for instance, who has only been blogging since December, perpetually refers to how "famous" he is, and how "exciting" he and his "famous" friends are, without the slightest trace of sarcasm or irony or self-deprecation. (Lockhart, at least, provides occasional scoops about goings-on in my neighborhood.) Can he really be so myopic and self-absorbed as to think that because he writes about himself he's somehow notable or worthy of attention? Isn't that taking the whole "I think, therefore I am" business a bit too far? It's not like the Times is an arbiter of cool, after all...
I salute you, Schroeder! You have my permission to continue blogging.
May 19, 2003
Rumor Control | 11:41 AM
One of the problems with being this famous is the constant deluge of malicious gossip. For my own peace of mind, and for the safety of my family, I'd like to set the record straight:
Any photos of me topless, smoking and pregnant on a balcony, being fondled by Michael Douglas, are likely to be forgeries.
May 14, 2003
Now That I'm Famous: Verbing | 08:43 PM
It seems inevitable that I be the next luminary chosen for such treatment. However, for the record, I'd like to point out that "verbing" may not be sufficient for a celebrity of my calibre. A more appropriate linguistic homage would be to use my name in a manner similar to the way the Smurfs used the word "smurf" in the popular 80s television show "The Smurfs."
exempli gratia: "Hey, what the jonathanvangieson are you jonathanvangiesoning to that jonathanvangieson? You better jonathanvangieson the hell out of here before I jonathanvangieson a 6-foot jonathanvangieson up your jonathanvangieson."
April 13, 2003
Now That I'm Famous: The Press | 11:19 PM
For those of you who didn't feel like downloading the PDF, my profile in Dramatics Magazine in which I make such insightful observations as "You need to have a couple of people to step in if an actor is injured during a show" is now online.
April 10, 2003
Now That I'm Famous: My Very First Stalker | 11:06 AM
Just between you and me, I think Aaron Bailey is following me around. First he "accidentally" runs into me on my birthday, and then today he "happens" to be taking the F train home in the middle of the day to "pay his rent." He claimed the encounter was a "coincidence," but I think we all know that rent is due on the first of the month.
March 31, 2003
Important Announcement | 10:19 AM
Despite the fact that today is my birthday and also my brother's birthday there is no need to buy me presents.
March 07, 2003
Now That I'm Famous: Rumor Control | 12:23 PM
Time to put the kibosh on a few half-baked mumblings:
February 12, 2003
Guess The Celebrity: Winner | 02:28 PM
Beastmaster Jones writes: "Dash Mihok, dammit! (Celebrity my ass!)"
Guess The Celebrity Update | 11:04 AM
Per Aaron's request, some more clues in the guess the celebrity contest, which, to this date, remains unwon.
January 28, 2003
The Onus of Fame | 01:52 PM
I think Britney said it best: "Sometimes I just long to do normal things, like going to the movies or a club. But now that I'm famous it's a major ordeal just to go out."
January 27, 2003
Now That I'm Famous | 04:32 PM
Friends: please be advised that there is no reason to be nervous around me, despite what The New York Times may say. I will continue magnanimously to acknowledge your existence.
Guess the Celebrity Update | 02:54 PM
Despite a number of excellent attempts, no eligible contestant has managed to nail down the other celebrity. So, a photographic clue:
January 23, 2003
Guess The Celebrity Update | 09:55 AM
CONTEST LOSER: Sorry, netflows.com, "Keywords" is not the celebrity in question, whether or not it gets me "Real Time 24 Hour Traffic To You're Site" or "Turns You're Website Into A Money Making Cash Cow Overnight."
The following persons are excluded from participation in this sweepstakes: employees of jonathanvangieson.com and immediate family members of jonathanvangieson.com employees and its subsidiaries, affiliates, officers, directors, assigns, advertising, promotional and fulfillment agents, attorneys, accountants, and other representatives and the persons with whom each of the above are domiciled.
So the grand prize is still up for grabs.
January 19, 2003
Now That I'm Famous | 03:42 PM
I've attempted to "track my favorite celebrity" myself on Entertainment Weekly Monitor. Confusingly, a topic search reveals no matches (even after I followed the their recommendation to "Try the first three letters of the first or last name" and searched for "Jon Van Gie,") so I've recommended myself for tracking.
January 17, 2003
Now That I'm Famous | 12:05 AM
New York Magazine reports that Harrison Ford has been strolling about the house in his skivvies, inspiring his neighbors to throw Ford-watching parties.
January 15, 2003
Sorry to disappoint | 12:40 AM
#8 on the list of searches sending people to jvg.com: naked masculine celebrities.
January 08, 2003
What is fame without influence? | 11:51 AM
In my offical capacity as Tiny Ninja Theater co-producer, I am off to our nation's capitol to hobnob with high-powered attorneys, environmental pundits, and puzzle-loving lesbians. If "weblog" technology has reached that far South, I will keep the world apprised of my DC doings as they happen (italics mine) via this website. Otherwise, the world will have to wait until I return. Given my level of fame, could a White House dinner invite be in the works? Fleischer has my phone number. I'm certainly not calling him.
January 03, 2003
Now That I'm Famous | 06:45 PM
The Internet Movie Database remains disturbingly behind the times; despite being famous for a month now, I still have not appeared in their Celebrity News, although some guy named Jack Ass has. Even more disconcerting, an IMDb database search for "Jonathan Van Gieson" offers nothing but a page with these most popular name searches:
December 20, 2002
Now That I'm Famous | 10:44 AM
The peeping toms over at Gawker have set up a site for the sole purpose of keeping an eye on New York celebrities such as myself. Though I have so far managed to evade their surveillance in the main blog, they've nailed me down in the links section on the right. The onus of fame burns ever sweet.
December 10, 2002
Now That I'm Famous | 12:13 AM
For those in need of further evidence that I am famous: walked into a local bar earlier this evening and was immediately recognized and given royal treatment by the bartender. Some may say this accommodation owes less to fame than to the fact that I lived with him for two years in college. To these naysayers I reply: that sort of negative thinking is what's keeping you from your true fame.
December 03, 2002
Now That I'm Famous | 04:59 PM
It is difficult to escape the conclusion that I am famous.
I have chosen not to fight it. Generous to a fault, it is clear to me that it is my obligation -- nay, my duty -- to chronicle for prosperity every moment of my inevitable rise to even greater heights of fame. As a close friend said recently after I emailed him for the first time in four years, "jonathanvangieson.com. Sheesh. Who woke up and made you president, hah?" To him I reply: no one woke up. How true that is.
And so it begins. This Weblog -- or "Blog" in common parlance -- will stand for the ages. Each inspirational moment of my famous life, each clandestine meeting with my famous friends, each night of debauchery, each drug-induced alcoholic stupor, each embarrassing arrest, will be accurately reported here. It is my fond hope that the young will be able to turn to this text as a guidebook to life. Or, at very least, a manual.
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