In 2003, Alexis Robie, Dan Arnall and I made a short political video for a moveon.org short-political-video-making contest. We lost, but the video is still pretty snazzy. Almost three years later, at the request of comments, I'm finally getting it online! Extra bonus: features my hot naked wife! (Don't worry Nancy, it's PG-13.) At the time, I had this to say:

"Is the creation of this ad a genuine act of political outrage, or a feeble excuse to get my wife to disrobe for the camera? Who cares? Dude, she's naked. And hot."

Watch "Patriot Act: Smells Familiar"

Starring Xina Nicosia, voiceover by Fae Moore.

This owl occured, not ten minutes ago, in an attempt to draw a victorian-style bow tie.

The Japanese and German versions of The Big 40! are finally available for persual on Amazon.co.jp and Amazon.du!

According to the Google Translation, the Japanese title of the book is "40 generations how we do not fear!" (which we should certainly have considered for the original version) and the German simply "40!". The German edition was penned (according to the Google translation) by "Joshua Albertson , LOCK-hard Steele , Jonathan of Gieson" while the credits for the Japanese book include (again thanks to Google translate): " J [Untranslated Japanese Characters Deleted] (work), the J.V. [Untranslated Japanese Characters Deleted] (work), the L steel (work), Joshua Albertson (field work), Jonathan Van Gieson (field work), Lockhart Steele (field work), three sand Hiroshi (translation), high flat Tetsuro."

While workers J [Untranslated Japanese Characters Deleted], the J.V. [Untranslated Japanese Characters Deleted], and the L steel share the same credits: Production person * producer of various media plans. The reality game Hide/Seek/NYC of the web, The Pharmer ' S Almanac, " the Buddy " Cianci:The Musical, the SiteSherpa is managed, high flat (who, we assume, is one of the translators) is described, somewhat impressively, as Participating (being something which is published to that time when this book is published it does this data as a production, and an editor such as formation of TV program and stage show and play).

The description of the German edition contains perhaps the best piece of marketing text known to man: But there are also good messages: now you can wave off again correctly! Well, it's about time. Unfortunately for Germany, Amazon.du has this to say about the availability of 40! We do not lead or no more - book in advance now used. Japan is somewhat luckier: Dispatch possible time: Usually it dispatches within 2 days between.

I leave you with this thought, worthy of contemplation, from Amazon.co.jp:
"Isn't the first customer review of this commodity written?"

Anne Ursu's Cronus Chronicles website just went live! A loving note to all those who are using PC Internet Explorer: you've caused me mountains of grief. And Anne, too. And our respective spouses. Can't we all just be standards compliant?

After you've enjoyed the site, why not buy the book? It's available for preorder, and I can probably get the author to sign it for you. It's quite good, and you know I'm going to keep harping on it if you don't.

In the meantime, I'll be reading the sequel. I'm just that cool.

Did this heartwarming holiday tale of missing presents resolve itself in a manner befitting a heartwarming holiday tale? How better to answer that question than through heartwarming holiday poetry? No better, that's how! And so...

THE NIGHT BEFORE GIFTMAS
A heartwarming holiday poem by Jonathan Van Gieson

'Twas the night before Christmas -- afternoon (near enough),
Yet I still lacked two gifts: Amazon, Where's My Stuff?

I ordered ten days ago, plenty of time
For the Amazon Free Super Shipping Deadline ...Read on!

Yes, the Book of Ages team is just as excited as excited can be about our publication in Japan. The manuscript, which I received today via U.S. Mail, seems to remain true to the spirit of the original, although a cursory examination reveals some significant differences, as outlined in the handy chart, below.

I'm starting to feel like I should have turned down this design job. In fact, I should probably turn down all design jobs offered to me in a dark alley by a trenchcoated man who looks suspiciously like Dick Cheny in a false moustache.

But the money was so good...

Addendum (Sunday, July 11 @ 1:35pm): 1 day later, Yahoo News picks up the story.

Direct from the comic strip, the complete
Mixed Heritage Holiday Carol

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree
Come light the menorah
We'll mark the birth of Jesus C.
While reading from the torah!
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel: I made it out of clay
Oh what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh!
I saw Mama kissing Hanuk-Claus
Beneath the Kwanzaa bush last night
And a latke in a pear tree!

Glad tidings for those of you who have been clamoring for video of my naked wife on the internet (yes, Lockhart, I'm looking at you); that happy time has arrived, in the form of JVG, AVR, and DA's Submission for the "30 Seconds Against Bush" Contest. One might ask; is the creation of this ad a genuine act of political outrage, or a feeble excuse to get my wife to disrobe for the camera? Who cares? Dude, she's naked. And hot.

Watch "Patriot Act: Smells Familiar"

One pundit suggested that it was because of the excellence this ad that Bush scheduled the press conference which stymied the Book of Ages TV appearance. Seem unlikely? Consider this: voting for the contest was scheduled to begin on Monday, the same day we were originally scheduled to appear on CNNfn. But it was delayed until Wednesday, the same day that we actually appeared. What are the chances that two events would both be cancelled on the same day AND rescheduled for the same day? Infinitesimal, that's what.

MoveOn.org, oblivious to the opportunity for some delicious meta-commentary, appears to be attempting a "fair" voting procedure, so you will not be allowed to rate our ad from the watching page. Instead, after enjoying the delights of my wife's undress, you must log in and vote one by one on over 1,000 ads, presented in random order, many of which have no nudity at all. Eventually, you may encounter "Patriot Act: Smells Familiar" again. Keep on truckin'!

Let's face it, that Paris Hilton video ain't got nothing on ours. Except, of course, for the hardcore sex.

Oh, I'm having oodles of fun painting candidates for the 2004 Election at 30 section of Blog of Ages. Oodles!

We've been putting in countless hours over the past few hours to make sure that the Book of Ages website is just right for publication day.

Exciting BOA.com features include:
-Group Blog "of Ages" — featuring the talents of popular bloggers Lockhart Steele and Jonathan Van Gieson, and unpopular non-blogger Joshua Albertson
-ThirtyMeter — our patented "fuel gauge of life!"
-"Electronic" postcards — useless but attractive!
-"How 30 Are You?" Quiz — coming soon!
-Readers' Guide — once again, coming soon!
and let's not forget a sneak peek inside the book!

• Buy from Amazon [use this link to give JVG.com an extra little kickback]
• BOA.com
• Or, stop by your local bookstore to pick up your brand shiny new copy of Book of Ages 30

Far be it from me to shy away capitalizing on a trend as Lock forges ahead. In the aftermath of the Sunday Styles article about turning 30, he offers the galley of the JA/LS/JVG masterwork Book of Ages to interested press. I make a better offer: galleys which have been touched by me personally, and therefore be that much more famous.

If you would like one of these far superior galleys, let us know.

Or, to hell with it, just buy the book now and be ahead of the curve.

A rundown of previous BOA-related posts on this site:
• Cut from the Book
• Sneak Preview 2
• Sneak Preview

After several kegs of "research," the Huber Brewery website has been tapped, putting a smooth, frothy head on an intoxicating pint of internet.

My favorite feature: the Beerfinder, conceived and developed by FictCo, which recommends the perfect Huber brews for your particular needs, based on your tastes, desires, and friends.

• Huber Brewery
• Beerfinder

In 1992, at the tender age of 18, I was required to submit a 25 page portfolio for my writing class. After much discussion, our teacher settled on this definition of a "page" of poetry: 10 lines.

The result: no less than five poems in my portfolio titled "filler," each one a masterpiece of lyrical avoidance, and all exactly 10 lines. Finally, three of these poems are available for public enjoyment.

Filler 4: the final straw
Power Books are kind of cool
they help me do my work for school
They are made by Macintosh
And do not look much like galosh
es. Macintosh is made by Apple
A fact that makes me very happle
I am typing on the keyboard
The Power Book is helping meboard
And though this poem is very fine
I end it now, on the tenth line.

Filler, Too
Now poor Jonny he felt like a sap
as he read the past work in his lap
He said "All this writing
I thought was exciting
is in truth unmistakable crap."

Poor Van Gieson discovered the date
was completely, unerringly late
"This portfolio mine
is due, in days, nine
and of the thing this is page eight."

The Ultimate Filler Poem
This
poem
is
filler,
filler,
filler,
and
nothing
but
filler.

Being the third in an ongoing series of rare and unpublished works by the author which, for one reason or another, were never presented to the public at large.

Title: "Drool," 2nd Draft
Date: c. 1997
Rejected from: Not submitted for publication
Intended use: Self-amusement
Reason rejected: Failed to amuse self


continued...

From the tender age of 18 to 22, my comic strip "Tales From The Established Norm" ran in the school paper, and garnered some criticism from my friends, who felt that the storylines ran a bit too close to their own lives for comfort. They claimed, for instance, that the main character, Norm, bore a striking resemblance to me. (This is, of course, ridiculous. I have long hair, Norm had a pompadour.) They alleged that certain events happening in the strip — love, breakups, facial hair, student elections, alcoholism, housing problems, bisexuality, failed classes, parole — occurred in conjunction with their own similar experiences.

A quick examination of the facts shows how farcical these accusations are:

– Honestly, I had no idea whatsoever that my ex-girlfriend was dating someone named "Kim" when the character "Kim" in the strip broke up with Norm to date his ex-girlfriend.
– Unlike Norm, at no point during college did I travel through time to battle evil clones of myself, nor was I ever kidnapped by an idiot who stripped me naked and strapped me to a table.
– There was never any scientific proof that the floor covering in my dorm room was a semi-sentient wall-to-wall carpet.

I'm pleased to have the chance to set the record straight. Looking back, though, I know what I may have done wrong, and how to correct it. Why bring this all up now? No particular reason...

• Tales From The Established Norm (1999, Pen & Ink on bristol, unpublished post-college sample strips.)

Being the second in an ongoing series of rare and unpublished works by the author which, for one reason or another, were never presented to the public at large.

Title: "Penny for your thoughts"
Date: Late 1998
Rejected from: Wisconsin Club Beer launch campaign
Intended use: "Gentlemen's Club" in "It's not like other clubs" series of ads
Reason rejected: Too risqué for Wisconsin

Another juicy tidbit from the pages of Book of Ages:

Being the first in an ongoing series of rare and unpublished works by the author which, for one reason or another, were never presented to the public at large.

Title: "Hello, me wee bairn!"
Date: c. 1993-94
Rejected from: The Brown Daily Herald
Intended use: Article about clergy visiting dorm rooms
Reason rejected: Priest appears drunk, stereotypically Irish, slightly deranged, and lascivious

The countdown begins to the JA, LS & JVG publishing enterprise Book of Ages (ISBN # 1-4000-5013-8, Crown Publishing, Fall 2003).

This exciting sneak preview photo, which may well appear in the book, should start the buzz machine rolling.



(photo ©2003. All rights reserved. This photo is protected by United States copyright law, and may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, displayed, published or broadcast without prior written permission. Any illegal use of this image will be met with legal action. Link restrictions: linking to the page containing this photo requires prior permission. Attempts to link to this photo without obtaining permission will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.)