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Two Snail or Not Two Snail?	by Jay Veegee

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War! Promo!

As the raw sewage leak has driven Collective:Unconscious out of 279 Church Street, Pinchbottom moves around the corner to The Flea at 41 White Street for Pinchbottom Declares War! (or, full frontal jacket.)

Buy Tickets Now!

And so we begin the search for a new home for our Fall Season! (In a bout of luck, we decided to take August off -- our first break from the show in 28 months -- some time ago.)

Promo Cardage Below:

2008.07.05@12:15:42

Sprint -- The Horror! The Horror!

Finally! Two weeks after the initial complaint, a response. I receive a phone call from Sprint in answer not to my letter to "Dan", but the cc: to the complaints department. The representative apologizes for any poor customer service, and to attempt to rectify the situation, he offers me... nothing. Zero. Zip. Zilch. When I expressed my lack of satisfaction with this solution, he... eventually hangs up on me, just like the first guy did.

At this point, $175 cancellation fee seems a small price to pay to get away from the epic levels of crappitude represented this company. I call to cancel my service, and the retention department acts as customer service should, and provides service to the customer. While she still won't send me an accounting of my text messages, she provides a credit instead.

So: another letter to "Dan", explaining the entire situation. After all, as new CEO, he might want to know that the staff hired to apologize for poor customer service provided poor customer service, and that his retention department is the only department worth a damn. Full text after the jump.

A month later, he has not acknowledged receipt of the email in any way, which begs the question: why put your email in a commercial if you're not going to respond? Doesn't that just make you look like an ass?

[ more ]

Mr. Hesse,

I received a phone call from your company in regard to the below letter. Since you have chosen to make your email address public in your commercials, I expected to you would address your emails personally, but I understand that sometimes gestures such as putting your email address onscreen are simply publicity stunts, and not an expression of actual concern for your customers.

Your representative acknowledged receipt of the letter, apologized for any poor customer service I might have received, and offered his assurance that he himself was "confident" that the accounting was correct and stated that your company had made "a business decision" to not provide that information except via subpoena.

I pointed out that this was the identical to the answer I had already received, the answer which (coupled with the poor customer service) led to my writing the letter. An answer which still failed to address my concerns. I asked what he intended to do to address them -- which was, I assumed, the reason for his call.

I soon found that assumption was in error. He merely reiterated his previous statement. I explained that my concerns could be addressed in one of two ways: by providing the requested information, or by issuing a credit for the amount, as apology for your inability to do so and acknowledgement that my concerns -- as a customer of ten years -- were of any importance to your company. As I stated below, an unwillingness to consider either of these solutions clearly shows a lack of regard for my patronage, and as such the other option available is to release me from my contract.

He replied that none of these solutions were acceptable to him, and reiterated his previous statement.

As he was being repetitious, I responded in kind; I explained my position again -- I will admit, at length. But I was careful neither to raise my voice nor to use profanity of any sort.

Your representative said that he was ending the conversation. I replied that I did not consider the conversation to be finished, and he hung up on me. And thereby repeated the exact pattern about which I wrote you to complain, solidifying my belief that Sprint customer service is, in fact, the worst in the world. When your representative calls to respond to a complaint and converts your customer from unsatisfied to furious, you are clearly going out of your way to hire the worst that minimum wage has to offer.

Except, as it turns out, your retention department. Because when your representative who called, ostensibly, to apologize, left me instead with no other option than to cancel my service, I called to do so. And, to my shock, I was treated to the most human, polite, and helpful individual I have experienced in my dealings with Sprint since the last time my contract was up for renewal. She expressed appreciation for my ten years of patronage, and backed her statement with action: she applied a credit.

Denise is the reason -- the ONLY reason -- Sprint was able retained me as a customer. Until I spoke to her, your representatives were every variation of terrible one could imagine, ranging from inept to incompetent to just plain rude.

Denise, by contrast, was sympathetic, clear, helpful, and addressed my concerns. It was almost as if she worked for a different company than everyone else with whom I had spoken.

Denise is the ideal after which ALL of your customer service representatives should, and indeed must, model themselves. Attempting to cancel my service should not be the only way to reach to a competent representative.

Mollified, yet still horrified,

Jonathan Van Gieson

[ less ]

2008.06.03@12:02:57

Update!

One week later, no answer!

Sprint's customer service remains unblemished by actual service.

2008.05.27@01:54:34

An experiment: open letter to Sprint's new CEO.

When you take over as the CEO of an ailing cellular phone company with a reputation for the worst customer service in the business, is it wise to put your email address in your commercials? If you choose so to do, will you actually respond to the emails sent to you at that address?

And so the great experiment begins. Having recently experienced a level of service unsurpassed in my decade-long tenure as an unsatisfied Sprint customer -- a supervisor suggested I go to the police and file a report in order to access the details of my texting usage -- I decided to drop "Dan" a line and see what he had to say.

I am, of course, holding my breath. Full text of irate email - sent late last night - after the jump. Warning: not as humorous as you might hope. Further updates as events warrant. Or fail to warrant.

[ more ]

Date: Mon, 19 May 2008 19:19:48 -0400
Subject: Your commercials vs. your customer service representatives
From: Jonathan Van Gieson
To: dan @ sprintpcs . com

Dear Mr. Hesse,

Congratulations on your new role as CEO of Sprint. From your television commercials and press interviews, I understand you are attempting to turn the company around.

Unfortunately, none of the proposals you have put forward seem to address the reason Sprint is bleeding: a reputation for the worst customer service in the industry. In my ten years as a customer, I have found the service to be up and down, but assumed it was no worse than any other. But my experience with my last bill has convinced me that that reputation is fact. I was subjected -- please note my choice of verb -- to Sprint service.

Upon opening my most recent Sprint bill, I found an additional $22 in text messaging charges. As I do not use text messaging services as frequently as my wife (whose bill showed 164 text messages exchanged in her last billing cycle), I thought it extremely unlikely that this accounting was accurate, and so called your customer service department for clarification, and to report what I considered might be an an error in my bill.

And that, as they say in the press, was where the nightmare began.

When I expressed my concerns to your representatives, their idea of "service" was to tell me that your systems were extremely accurate, and to offer the following options: to accept without question your accounting; to pay $5 page for a printout of my text messaging activity at a Sprint Store if I chose to be so presumptuous as to require proof of the alleged activity; or -- and this, my favorite, was from one of your supervisors (Brandon, employee #DR-461300) -- to file a police report and acquire the information via subpoena.

When your own representatives suggest that the best way for your customers to interact with your company is through legal action, Sprint is clearly facing a serious customer service crisis.

And indeed, my experience attempting to deal with this issue bears that out. What began as a small customer concern, which could have been easily handled by providing the appropriate documentation, was elevated — by your employees’ attitudes, untenable suggestions, inability or unwillingness to help, and tendency to “accidentally” disconnect my calls -- to an extended and unpleasant exchange. Your agents made it clear that I — by daring to question the accuracy of my bill, and by expressing outrage at the fact that the only way your representatives were willing to provide proof of that accuracy was at the rate of $5/page — have become, to them, more of a nuisance than a valued customer in a relationship with your company that has lasted nearly a decade.

In short, your representatives made it quite obvious that Sprint no longer values my patronage.

Unless you plan to make drastic changes in the next month, it appears the time has come for you to terminate your relationship with me, and release both of us from our contract. Given the circumstances, I expect that this will be done without penalty.

With regret,

Jonathan Van Gieson

[ less ]

2008.05.20@00:46:19

Rah! Rah! (additionally, rah.)

Time to score! It's the bottom of the 4th down, and Pinchbottom is on the ropes with the bases loaded and the tally 40-love. Can the home team birdie the goal from the foul line to slam-dunk the match, or will they stumble into the net on the final lap? You've never seen sports action quite like the action you'll see in Pinchbottom's BALLS! Sporty Burlesque. Whether you're a sports fan or a sports hater, it's a whole nude ballgame! It's not about whether you win. It's about how you lose... your clothes.

BUY TIX: Fri or Sat

"A team of scandalous performers who promise to make you fall back in love with foul balls" -Time Out NY

coached by
Nasty Canasta
Jonny Porkpie
the home team
Anita Cookie
Bastard Keith
Clams Casino
Doc Wasabassco
GiGi La Femme
Julie Atlas Muz
Naughtia Nice
Neil O'Fortune
Scott Rayow
Tigger!
pinch hitters
Roja Rouge (Fri)
Little Brooklyn (Sat)

2008.05.13@13:07:26

Decades later, it remains so very true...

Cleaning out the drawer of old papers, perusing previous literary scribbles, I discover this limerick (from high school, no less!), which is especially apropos;

Now poor Jonny he felt like a sap
As he read the past work on his lap
He said "all this writing
I thought was exciting
is in truth unmistakable crap."

2008.05.12@17:50:38

Before you ask...

Yes, that was my ass on CBS Sunday Morning. (@ 2:06 on the clip below.)

2008.04.28@17:01:41 | comments: 0

Who wants to Sleep Over?

10pm Friday Mar 21 & Sat 22
SLUMBER PARTY IN PINK

Advance tickets highly recommended. BUY NOW: 3/21 or 3/22

It's a SLUMBER PARTY IN PINK... and YOU'RE invited! All the most popular girls in school are gonna do LOTS of SUPER FUN sleepover activities -- paint our nails, gossip, pillow fight, perform burlesque acts, even practice kissing! Plus ALL the best party games, like "Truth Or Dare", "Piggly-Wiggly" & "Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board"! Wow! Bedtime never looked so good! (...and don't worry about that murderer who escaped from the asylum down the street -- I'm sure it will be fine!)
starring Anita Cookie, Bastard Keith, Clams Casino, Clarke Westfield, Creamy Stevens, Delirium Tremens, Julie Atlas Muz, Naughtia Nice, Precious Little, World Famous *Bob*

SNEAK PREVIEW PHOTOS (nsfw, of course)

2008.03.12@16:06:25

Will You Be Pinchbottom's Valentine?

10pm Friday Feb 15 & Sat 16
HOW to SEX (a do-it-yourself guide)

Advance tickets highly recommended. BUY NOW: 2/15 or 2/16

Love it or hate it, Valentine's Day is a grim inevitability for us all. But no matter what feelings you have for this annual celebration of the beheading of a Christian saint in the year 269BCE, Pinchbottom can improve your V-Day weekend (and the activities therein) with The Pinchbottom Institute's Groundbreaking Live Seminar: HOW to SEX (a do-it yourself guide.)

HOW to SEX (a do-it-yourself guide) covers every aspect of intercourse in a series of ten easy burlesque-based lessons, all presented live on stage. From choosing the best partner or equipment -- to accurately undressing -- to correctly putting the right thing in, around, or on the other thing -- to cleaning up afterwards, the ins and outs of this difficult and confusing task are examined in explicit detail. Each and every facet of sex will be exposed -- even the minor ones, like love and romance!

Let the sexy experts of The Pinchbottom Institute for the Sex gently guide you through the simple steps necessary to make you -- yes, you! -- a whiz at HOW to SEX. Led by "Doctor" NASTY CANASTA and "Professor" JONNY PORKPIE (who, as a married couple, have sexed together several times), the seminar also features sex-educational burlesque and variety acts from ANITA COOKIE, BASTARD KEITH, CLAMS CASINO, DELIRIUM TREMENS, JO BOOBS, LITTLE BROOKLYN, NAUGHTIA NICE, SCOTT RAYOW, SCHAFFER THE DARKLORD, and special guest from Seattle, WA, HEIDI VON HAUGHT of the Von Foxies, who will demonstrate the West Coast methods of sexing. Combined, our courteous and professional staff has over 180 years of training in both sex AND making other people want to sex.

Act now! This extraordinary offer is available for TWO NIGHTS ONLY, Friday February 15 and Saturday February 16 at 10pm. Whether you're flying solo and starting sex from scratch, or a committed couple that just wants to pick up a few pointers, Pinchbottom's HOW to SEX (a do-it-yourself guide) is the perfect addition to any Valentine's Day weekend plans!

TICKETS: 2/15 or 2/16

SNEAK PREVIEW PHOTOS (nsfw, of course)

2008.02.04@13:39:32

THE PINCH BROTHERS return to THE BAWDY HOUSE

10pm Friday Jan 18 & Sat 19
THE PINCH BROTHERS in "THE BAWDY HOUSE"

Advance tickets highly recommended. BUY NOW: 1/18 or 1/19

Next Friday, January 18 & Sat Jan 19, Pinchbottom returns to the funniest, sexiest edifice in the world with "THE PINCH BROTHERS in THE BAWDY HOUSE", the show that put the double-entendres in double takes and brought a whole new meaning to the word "slapstick".

Pinchbottom's loving homage to the Marx Brothers brings you back to the glory days of black and white comedy, with a live action "movie" that would have been far too risque for the MPAA censors.

"Tantalizing ode to the Marx Brothers... deliciously perverse, glittering fantasy." -NEXT MAGAZINE

When THE PINCH BROTHERS (also sisters) are hired to save an ailing theater, they convert it into a BAWDY HOUSE, complete with ribald comedy, risque magic, and (of course) burlesque! But on opening night, everything goes wrong -- buttons keep popping, pants keep dropping, and the schtick keeps getting schtickier. Hosted by NASTY CANASTA & JONNY PORKPIE, starring ALBERT CADABRA, ANITA COOKIE, BASTARD KEITH, GIGI LA FEMME, LITTLE BROOKLYN, DR. LUKKI, NAUGHTIA NICE, PEEKABOO POINTE, PRECIOUS LITTLE, RUBY VALENTINE, SCOTT RAYOW, TIGGER and CLAMS CASINO & NEIL O'FORTUNE

TRAILER

TICKETS: 1/18 or 1/19

2008.01.11@13:24:29

Previously...

On live fish as a centerpiece at a wedding
A Poem for Pinchmas
Pinchbottom for the Holidays
Pinchbottom returns to NAKED PLANET
Pinchbottom's Sports: One Night Only
70s Cop Show Burlesque
Last day of Astroland
I'm back!


Pinchbottom Fine Burlesque Entertainments
	Nasty Canasta Official Burlesque Artist of JVG.com, cheese queen of Coney Island
Jonny Porkpie Nasty puppeteer and Burlesque Mayor of New York City.

COMICS

JVG: The Comic Strip

The Adventures of Andrew Snail

Tales from the Established Norm
The post-college episodes of the strip from college.

Hypernorm
One strip. One thousand endings.

Fred, The Obnoxious Goldfish
An angry slice of piscine fury from the mind of Jay Veegee

Drool
One-shot from the files.

Faust: a Primer
Created for the program of Man of Infinite Desire

Produces Interesting Theater. Such as...

Tiny Ninja Theater
No Small Parts. Only Small Actors.

TheaterSounds
Hudson Valley Playreading Series

"Buddy" Cianci: The Musical
Rhode Island's most popular politician, six times elected, twice convicted

Illiterate
	Book of Ages "Exploring life's landmark ages in hilariously obsessive detail." buy 30 \| buy 40 buy Japanese 40 preorder German 40

Minor & Incomplete

Opposite Day
Poke the Evil Nun
Sam Webb, Internet Detective
You're the Star
Andrew Snail, the Animated Movie
crap to buy from multiple endeavors

Funct?

Antagozine
The ANTAGONISTIC magazine.

Survivor Deadpool
Deadpool Dead.

LiveBio
A great idea!

Unpalatable Ball
Featuring the Discontented Elf.

12.17.04

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