****SAM WEBB sits alone in SAM WEBB'S OFFICE.

****SAM WEBB sits alone in SAM WEBB'S OFFICE.

****SAM WEBB sits alone in SAM WEBB'S OFFICE.

SAMWEBB: La la la.


SAMWEBB: Doot doo doo.


SAMWEBB: Hum de dum.



****SAM WEBB sits alone in SAM WEBB'S OFFICE.

SAMWEBB: I'm fine, how are you?


SAMWEBB: I loved that movie!


SAMWEBB: Why, yes, I would like to meet you in person.



****SAM WEBB sits alone in SAM WEBB'S OFFICE.

SAMWEBB: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.


SAMWEBB: Theeeee Quickkkk BROWN foX jummmpd ober thel;avzy dog!!!!!!


SAMWEBB: Quiclyk, Borwn fox, Jump! Jupms over that lazy dooog!!@#^%$&^




SAMWEBB: That's what it says on the window. And you're Bustee Brunette. That your real name?

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: Yes it is. My father was Admiral Brunette, seventh squadron.

SAMWEBB: Seventh squadron, eh? You must be very proud.

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: And my mother was Wanda Brunette. You may know her from the movies.

SAMWEBB: Yeah, I've heard of her once or twice.

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: Yes, I am very proud.


BUSTEEBRUNETTE: Once or twice? Oh, I see. You're joking, Mr. Webb.

SAMWEBB: Oh, you were talking about your father. Because I said you must be very proud.

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: What do you mean, what?

SAMWEBB: Yes, yes, I was joking. She's a very famous actress.

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: Oh, you mean about my father, yes, I am very proud.

SAMWEBB: I saw her in "Eagle Reach." That was a classic.

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: Oh, wait, you just said that.

SAMWEBB: But that doesn't tell me what you're doing here.


SAMWEBB: Yes, I just said "you must be very proud."

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: Oh, you mean my mother.

SAMWEBB: Who is what?

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: But my parents don't have anything to do with this, Mr. Webb.

SAMWEBB: Oh, your mother. But you haven't come here to talk about your parents, have you, Ms. Brunette?

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: What do you mean, "who is what?" Oh, wait, I see.

SAMWEBB: No, I guess you haven't. Well, then, what are you here for?

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: No, they don't. But let me tell you what I'm here for, Mr. Webb. It's about my husband. I think he's cheating on me.

SAMWEBB: Cheating on you?

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: That's what I said, Mr. Webb.

SAMWEBB: Then I'm afraid I'm not the private eye for you, Ms. Brunette. You see, I do my work on that global tangle of wires we call the internet.


SAMWEBB: The world wide web.

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: Yes, I understand.

SAMWEBB: The road I travel, Ms Brunette, is the Highway of Hypertext. The Fantastic Freeway of Factoids.

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: So you've said.

SAMWEBB: The Incredible International Interstate of Information.

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: You've made that quite clear, thanks.

SAMWEBB: The Dizzying Dirt Road of Digital Derring-Do.


SAMWEBB: In short, Ms Brunette, I don't do cheating husbands.

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: On the contrary, Mr. Webb. This should be right down your alley. Because, you see, my husband is meeting his mistress...

****BUSTEE BRUNETTE pauses for emphasis.


SAMWEBB: Online, eh? Go on, Ms. Brunette.

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: You see, Mr. Webb, it's like this; every night at around seven, my husband locks himself in the basement with the computer. He stays down there for hours, Mr. Webb! He says he's checking the weather, but does it take hours to check the weather, Mr. Webb? Hours?

SAMWEBB: That depends, Ms. Brunette. Was he using America Online?

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: And not only that, but when he finally comes out of the basement, he goes right to sleep! Now, the only time he usually goes right to sleep is after sex. Can you explain that, Mr. Webb?

SAMWEBB: Well, to tell you the truth, Ms. Brunette, most men get quite tired right after sex. It's a physiological response.

SAMWEBB: Now, while some men lie about it and pretend that they're interested in whatever it is a woman has to say, other men are more honest and simply go to sleep.

SAMWEBB: So when a man goes to sleep right after sex, please remember, it's not an insult, it's a compliment.

SAMWEBB: Because that means that he has put all of his energy into loving you.

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: Um, that's not quite what I meant, Mr. Webb.


BUSTEEBRUNETTE: But you seem pretty worked up about it.

SAMWEBB: This isn't about me, Ms. Brunette. It's about your husband.

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: Have you had problems with that sort of thing?

SAMWEBB: Has your husband?

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: I mean, it sounds like you've made that speech quite a few times.

SAMWEBB: Let's get back to your husband, Ms. Brunette.

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: Oh, right, my husband. All I can give you is this portion of an internet address... "...ww.hel..." and my husband's online name: "BuffMuffin." Do you think you can help, Mr. Webb?

SAMWEBB: I'll give it my best shot, but I can't promise anything.

BUSTEEBRUNETTE: Oh, thank you, Mr. Webb. Thank you. :-)


****SAM WEBB sits alone in SAM WEBB'S OFFICE. Breaking the fourth wall, he turns to address the audience.

SAMWEBB: We finished our business on a secure channel, but right from the start I knew something was shady about this case. One of the first things I learned when I went into this crazy business:
Never trust a dame who uses a smiley...